


A Lack of Color

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - No Band, Anxiety, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Josh Dun & Tyler Joseph Are Best Friends, Music, Orphans, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rich Josh Dun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-08-21 00:33:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16566170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: At age 9, Tyler Joseph lost his parents. Since then, he has been moved from place to place but always trapped in his own head. Once he is coaxed out, he has to learn how to live again.





	1. GONER

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people! Some of you might know me from my first fic, You Are Lovely. This is very different, more intended to be good writing with long chapters and lots of imagery and stuff rather than just a story. Updates won't be frequent but I already have about four chapters done so it should be fun!

Tyler was alone.

The world had screwed him over, and now he was alone.

Thanks to one dark night, and a cruel, sadistic man, Tyler was alone.

He remembered that night clearly.

It was the last clear memory in his mind, anything that happened after too insignificant for his mind to process. As much as he tried to shut it out, as hard as he tried to forget, he remembered that night.

He had been asleep, in his room that he shared with his brother, and his parents were downstairs in the living room. The movie they were watching was so loud that they didn’t hear the window shatter. The next thing they knew there was a man standing in front of them with a gun. And then a bang. And then another. There were screams, then silence, then sirens.

Now his parents were gone.

 

It hadn’t really hit him yet, the severity of his situation.

He had always been bright for his age, but even a nine year old reading at the college level would have a hard time wrapping their head around being completely and utterly alone in the world.

They’re grandparents were either too old or too upset to take care of them properly.

His siblings were younger and cute, and less damaged, and found families. 

So he had moved from foster family to group home to shelter at least once a week every week for the past month, and the lack of stability was starting to get to him. He wasn’t eating, he wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t talking.

All he did was stare at the wall and think.

The other kids he lived with thought he was deaf, or mute, or maybe both. What nine year old boy just sat and stared, completely still, completely silent, for hours on end? They laughed at him, taunted him, some even hit him or kicked him to try to get a reaction out of him, but he just stared at the wall, silent.

He didn’t think about anything in particular. It was like watching a poorly made home video where some of the clips had been erased. Flashes of memories from when he was younger and his parents were alive. Flashes of memories of playing with his brother. Jumping on trampolines, trick-or-treating, learning to play basketball.

But they were only memories.

Tyler was alone.

 

On his tenth birthday he was placed for long term housing at a orphanage in Columbus. It was an old building that wasn’t very well insulated. The beds were made of black metal that had been twisted into the shape of a frame, the mattresses were hard and cold. There was no hot water, no heating in the winter, no air conditioning in the summer. The rooms were cramped, holding at least ten other boys, all older than him.

The other kids were mean. When they got bored they would shove him down to the ground and kick him until he was bleeding out his mouth, but he didn’t care. He was numb. He was numb to it all. His ribs were bruised, maybe even broken, but he didn’t feel anymore pain than he had the day he lost  _ them _ , so he just kept staring at the wall.

The woman who ran the orphanage had at first tried to convince Tyler to eat, sleep, move, to do  _ something _ \-- but he usually didn’t. Every couple days he would eat a small piece of bread under the threat of being hospitalized, which was the only thing that seemed to scare him these days. He drank when forced, and only ever got up to use the restroom.

He refused to sleep.

The dark meant the demons would come out. The flashes of happy memories would end and be replaced with flashes of that night.

He would rather suffer the exhaustion than have to face them.

But sometimes his body won, and he fell into a heavy sleep, only to wake up drenched in sweat, screaming, and the older boys yelling at him to shut up.

The lady pushed him, or at least tried to. She did her research and found that he had been some sort of child prodigy at his old school, and she wanted to take advantage of that. She figured that if she was able to get him in back school and keep him on track than maybe he would become incredibly successful and she could coin off of him. She would bring him books and sit down next him and try to force his attention off the wall, onto the pages.

It didn’t work.

Eventually she tried to physically make him do it. She would push him down, beating him with a wooden cane over and over again. She would yell at him, calling him stupid and worthless. She would beat him and cream at him until she realized it had no impact.

He didn’t scream.

He didn’t cry.

Tyler was numb.

 

One day, he wasn’t sure how, not that he gave it much thought, the lady was caught and arrested for child abuse. Apparently he wasn’t the only one she hit, not that Tyler would have known, or cared, anyway.

The police stormed the place, moving all the other kids into vans and sending them away. They took pictures, bagged evidence. Some officers tried to talk to him, get him to leave with the rest of the residents, but he couldn’t move. He just sat and stared at the wall. 

Eventually, a woman came up to where he was seated atop one of the many cots, staring at the wall. She came into his visual field and he noticed she wasn’t in uniform, so she probably wasn’t a police officer. She tried to talk to him.

“Hello, Tyler, I’m detective Johnson.” Her voice was soft and gentle, but Tyler barely registered it. He heard her, but he wasn’t listening. “Your going to be coming with me, okay?” He didn’t respond. He just sat still and stared at the wall.

“Is the kid retarded or something?” He heard another voice, this one deeper, that of a man.

“No. He’s brilliant, actually. I’m suspecting PTSD.” The woman responded. “And don’t use the word retarded, okay?”

“Yes ma'am.” The voice was louder now, closer. “But he’s fifteen. He was transferred here when he was ten. The woman said he hasn’t moved from this spot since he got here. That’s more than just PTSD.”

There was silence.

“I know.” The woman sounded almost upset. “I just hope we can help him.”

“Let’s get him into the car, take him to the hospital.”

“Yeah, okay.” He heard feet shuffling against the old wooden floor and then felt cautious, strong arms wrapping around his skinny body, lifting him off the cot. He didn’t fight. He just squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see any evidence of this life. He only wanted the happy memories.

The good times.

He heard the sound of a door opening, the deadly silence of the empty orphanage suddenly interrupted with loud sirens, people yelling, children talking among one another, cars moving. He willed his arms to move so he could cover his ears with his nads but his muscles didn’t respond. Instead, he just squeezed his eyes tighter and willed for the rest of the world to just disappear. He then heard the sound of a car door being opened. The arms that had carried him out gently lowered him down, and he felt a surface underneath him. He sat up against the backrest and drew his legs up against his chest, burying his face in his knees. The door was shut.

And there was silence.

Tyler didn’t realize he had been holding his breath until a shuddering sigh escaped him. He tried to regain control of his breathing. He hadn’t been keeping track of how long it had been since he was moved into the orphanage, but he didn’t know it had been five years. He thought it was days. It had felt like days. He slowly opened his eyes. He was in a car. A police car, by the looks of it. The material of the seat was hard and uncomfortable. He looked out the window where he saw the other kids being rounded up into vans and several emergency vehicles. There are a lot of men in uniforms around, collecting evidence and getting statements.

He flinches when he hears the car to driver’s seat opening and then shut again. He quickly closes his eyes, putting his face back in his knees.

“Hello, Tyler.” It’s the same woman as earlier, the one with the soft voice. “It’s detective Johnson again. I’m going to bring you to the hospital.” He feels the engine rumble underneath him and feels the car slowly start rolling.

After a little while, the engine shuts off and he hears the door open. He hears indistinct voices and before he knows it he’s being lifted out of the car. The air is fresh and he tries to breath it in, but fails- his breaths still short and shaky. There is the quiet sound of traffic and a some indistinct voices but other than it is silent peaceful.

Until the automatic doors open.

Inside the hospital it is crowded. Doctors are yelling orders, people are screaming in pain, some are crying. Nurses run across the room, back and forth, looking for their patients and retrieving supplies.

The man carrying him takes him straight through the crowded area and through a quieter hallway and into a private room. Detective Johnson, accompanied by an older man with greying hair and beer belly wearing a white coat, follow them in. The man who carried him, who appears to be a nurse, is dismissed and shuts the door behind them.

“Tyler, my name is Dr. Trevell and I will be your doctor during your stay here.” Silence. “We will be running some tests and when we get the results we will set up a treatment plan as we see fit.” Silence. “You will be put on a strict eating and drinking regiment effective immediately to help with the dehydration and the malnutrition.” More silence. A sigh. “Okay, Tyler. I’ll check on you again tomorrow. A nurse will be in shortly to take blood and prep you for some scans.” The door opens and shuts again as the doctor leaves, but the woman stays, sitting in a chair pulled up next to the bed. Tyler refuses to lie on the bed, refuses to put himself in such a vulnerable position, and is still sitting with his legs drawn up, trying to make himself as small as he possibly can.

“We want to help you, Tyler. But you have to tell us how. How can we help you?” Her voice is soft and he almost considers answering.  _ You could bring back my parents. _

He  _ almost  _ considered answering.

Almost.

 

The days at the hospital passed by no faster than those at the orphanage. Sooner or later the doctors realised that he wasn’t going to eat voluntarily, so they shoved a tube up his nose to force him to. They had an IV in his arm for fluids.

His physical exam showed broken and bruised ribs, malnutrition, and dehydration. There were also fresher gashes and raw, open wounds from the past few weeks, as the other children and the woman became increasingly impatient with him. His skin was a light shade of purple from the bruises that covered his body. Other than that, he was fine. Physically.

His brain scans, however, were difficult to read. There was normal activity, but his responses to external stimuli were low. The neuro surgeon decided there was nothing physically wrong with him, but there was definitely something wrong with the kid.

So they sent him to the psychiatric unit.

His psychiatrist, Dr. Ken, smelled like soap and had a quiet personality. He was careful with Tyler, speaking to him gently, encouraging him to talk and participate in other forms of therapy, such as art or music.

After realizing he wasn’t going to answer his questions or otherwise communicate, the doctor would sit with him for what seemed like hours on end, just observing. It was almost like he was waiting for him to crack, but Tyler didn’t. 

He just sat and stared at the wall, but the flashes of happy memories were replaced with flashes of that night. Usually he would be able to keep it all in, but when the darkness fell at night, he would break down in fear. The man who killed his parents would come visit his dreams, torturing his sleep.

The first time it happened, he thought he was screaming internally, but he realized it was external as well when nurses and doctors stormed his room, trying to calm him down, but they couldn’t.

They resorted to pumping him full of sedatives.

And so yet again, he was numb.

 

The detective also tried really hard to communicate with him, but Tyler felt as though he couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. She was persistent, and visited everyday. Each visit would start with her asking him a series of questions, giving him the opportunity to answer is he wanted to. When she realized he had no intention of speaking, she talked at him. Usually she would just tell him some pointless, meaningless, story from her day. An encounter with her niece, a phone call with an old friend. A story about a bad driver on the highway, something funny her colleague did.

One day, however, it was different.

It was the fifteenth day of his stay in the psych ward, and he could tell the doctors were starting to get restless and wanted to see a change.

The detective walked in, holding the same cup of takeaway coffee she had every morning, and sat at the same chair she did every morning, and smile the same condescending but concerned smile that painted her face every morning.

But it wasn’t just any morning.

“Hi, Tyler. How are you this morning?”

Silence.

“There was a lot of traffic to get here.”

Silence.

“Your almost old enough to get a license, I think.”

Silence.

“I get to drive a police car, one of the perks of being a detective.”

Silence.

“Speaking of my job, I wanted to talk to you about a case I worked on about six years ago.”

Silence.

“It was a home invasion double homicide. Parents killed, children left alive.”

Tyler’s heart beats faster, but he stays silent.

“The victims were Kelly and Chris Joseph, parents of Tyler, Zack, Jay, and Madison, who were left alive.”

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to cry, and hugged his knees tighter to his chest. His breath was shaky and fast and his heart pounded against his ribs as though it was trying to break out of his chest.

“The killer, Brent Ford, admitted to the crime. He broke the window, climbed into the house, and walked into the living room. That’s where he came across Kelly and Chris Joseph.”

Tyler was breathing so fast you would be surprised he was getting any air in at all. 

“First he fired at Chris, shooting him straight through the heart. He was dead in seconds.”

_ Shut up, shut up. _ Pleading in his head as he rocked back and forth, tears streaming down his face.

“Then he grabbed Kelly and shot her in the head, execution style.”

“SHUT UP!” Tyler screamed, his voice raw from the lack of use, sending a shooting, burning pain down his throat. He hadn’t spoken in years.

Next thing he knows there are arms around him. He fights and tries to pull away but he can’t. So he gives in. He lets himself be touched, the warmth of the arms only making him sob harder. It was all to real. After years of being numb, he gave in. He let himself feel. He let himself feel the way his breathing stopped making his lungs burn. He let himself feel the way his heart felt as though it was being crushed by weight. But he also let himself feel the hands running through his hair and running up and down his arms and let himself feel the desire to not be so alone in this world.

Oh how he didn’t want to be alone anymore.

  
  



	2. LOST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t recognize the person in the mirror, because he didn’t know who he was anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to the concert in one hour!!! I'm screaming!!!!!!!!!!

After spending six months in a mental health facility just outside of Columbus, Tyler was being moved, for what he hoped would be the last time, to a boarding school in the Ohio countryside.

Those six months weren’t easy.

He was diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder, a severe anxiety disorder, and was still battling the physical implications of not moving and not treating his body well for the past six years of his life.

Every day involved physical and mental therapies.

He had to learn how to eat again.

He had to learn how to walk again.

He had to learn how to talk again.

His body had a hard time getting used to eating again. For a long time he threw up everything he ate and, if the food would stay down, it would make his stomach bloat and cause excruciating pain while it learned how to digest. It took four months for him to be able to start a relatively normal diet with three meals a day.

Aside from eating, his muscles were weak. He couldn’t walk on his own for more than a few steps and was easily exhausted. When they were able to convince him to leave the bed, which was a battle in itself, he got frustrated when he would get dizzy from standing and panic when his legs gave out underneath him. Some would call it a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ kind of process, but he was barely taking steps in any direction.

Talking was hard. He would do okay when they asked basic questions, when it was all about learning how to speak again, but when the therapists started urging him to open up, he would end up back at square one, refusing to speak. Thankfully, instead of putting pressure, Dr. Ken, his psychiatrist, would take a step back.

After a while he fell back into a routine of just listening, and never speaking.

One day, Tyler was sitting with detective Johnson, who was chatting loosely about her day. It had been about a week since his last appointment for speaking therapy. She was talking about something funny her cat had done the night before, and asked Tyler  _ Isn’t that funny? _ And he actually answered. He nodded and smiled, or at least tried to, it came out more of a grimace, and said  _ Yeh, that’s pretty funny. _ The look on her face when he spoke was of disbelief and wonder. It made him want to put an effort. So he spoke. When he did, it was quiet and rare, but no one pushed him, so he went at his own pace. They decided he would continue with spoken therapy when he was ready and that no one would force him.

The doctors were incredibly patient with him, but he still got frustrated with himself. He was still coming to terms with the fact that he essentially had to learn how to live again at age fifteen. All the while, detective Johnson saw through his treatment. She encouraged him to keep trying even when he struggled, and reminded him that he had come a long way since they first brought him here. She was the closest thing to a parent figure, to a guardian, that he had had since he was nine years old. She was also the one who was able to get through to him, after he spent six years trapped in his head, so he felt he owed his life to her.

He also had developed a close relationship with his assigned nurse, Matt. Matt was young and treated Tyler more like an equal rather than purely as a patient. He was fun to be around and overall a nice guy. Because he treated Tyler like a friend, he taught him about pop culture and all the new slang, everything he had missed in the past six years. He taught him about social media and cell phones, about Netflix and memes. He also showed him music, which Tyler was absolutely fascinated by. He loved the rhythms and the beats, and the lyrics and the vocals.

Matt also got Tyler a notebook. Tyler loved that notebook. He wrote a lot, usually just whatever words that came to mind. After not speaking for six years, he had a lot to say, but he didn’t always feel like saying it aloud. So he wrote. He wrote when he was bored, when he had an idea, or when he woke up terrified from a nightmare. Sometime he went weeks without picking up the pen, sometime he spent the entire day hunched over the pages writing and writing until his hand was cramping.

To his surprise and to that of the doctor’s, he was still pretty intelligent. After some reading lessons and exercises to remind him how to transfer the characters on the pages into information, and some practice of course, he was able to pick up practically where he left off. In fact, he passed all the intelligence tests they put him through, so they had him fill out an application for Brewster’s Preparatory School, a private boarding school that, every year, offered a full ride scholarship to one lucky student. Detective Johnson hoped it would be Tyler. She knew that he wouldn’t survive in a group home, and no loving family was going to adopt a fifteen year old boy, especially not one as damaged as him, so this was his only hope.

Luckily, he got in. Apparently, he had scored perfectly on both the reading and math portions of the test, and even caught a grammatical error in one of the texts. The school was impressed.

Tyler would be moving in for the next school year. 

And he was terrified.

Sure, in the last six months he had made a lot of improvement, but he still had a long way to go. He couldn’t hold up normal conversation, he couldn’t look people in the eye, he barely slept at night, eating was still hard. He didn’t feel ready.

 

On his last day in the hospital before moving out, he sat on his bed and looked around the white room. It was small, safe, and secure. He had a routine here, and it had become like a home to him. The doctors were nice and he was making progress. So why did he have to leave?

As he was about to start to panic, thinking about how his whole life was about to change again, detective Johnson walked into the room.

“Hello, Tyler.” She smiled brightly and set down her takeaway coffee on the small table by his bed. In her other hand was a big, white paper bag.

“Hello.” He was eyeing the bag suspiciously.

“How are you today?” The detective set the bag down and walked around the room, finding her seat at a chair in the corner.

“Fine.” He adjusted so he was sitting cross legged facing her.

“How do you feel about moving tomorrow?”

“This isn’t spoken therapy, is it?” He tried to smirk a little bit, to show he was joking.

“It’s okay to be scared. You’re entering a brand new environment for the first time. That’s scary for anyone.” She smiled at him and he just looked down at his sock covered feet.

“I don’t know how to be a human being.” He muttered. She just smiled sadly.

“I picked up your uniform today.” She moved across the room and reached into the white bag, pulling out a small pile of clothes. He looked up and moved off the bed to get a better look. He picked up the sweater, a grey knitted material with the school’s crest embroidered into the chest.

“Why don’t you go try it on?” He nodded and took the clothing off the bed and walked into the small bathroom attached to his room. He slipped out of the hospital sweats and fleece. The grey uniform pants fit him just right, but the white button up and grey sweater that layered on top of it were a smidge too big and hung off of his small shoulders. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked at his reflection. His skin was almost white from the lack of sun and he was still really skinny. He also hadn’t grown very tall from the lack of proper nutrition and exercise. When he looked at the reflection, it felt like he was looking at a stranger. He didn’t recognize the person in the mirror, because he didn’t know who he was anymore.

Tyler had to recreate himself.

He opened the door and walked back into the main part of the room.

“It fits you pretty well!” The detective walked around him and tugged gently at the fabric.

“I’m too skinny.” 

“That will change with time.” She was looking through her bag and pulled out a folder. “Here’s all your course information and your schedule. Your room number and building are also on this paper. Oh, and here’s your student ID. The rest of the student’s have a picture there so you have to ask when to make that up.”

Tyler took the folder from her hand and looked at all the information. It was overwhelming. He was enrolled in seven classes because he had to catch up on the curriculum. Luckily, he had tested out of most of the math classes and was jumping to calculus BC and he was able to go straight into the English class for his grade. However, he had to double up on biology and chemistry, and he was extremely behind on his foreign language and history credits. 

“Oh, and the school called and they told me that they have to put you with a roommate.”

“A roommate?” Tyler failed to hide the fear and anxiety in his voice.

“They didn’t want to but they don’t have any extra room.” She smiled sadly. “Okay, I have to go. I’ll be back tomorrow at eight am sharp to pick you up. There’s more clothes in the white bag, just some jeans, shirts, and pajamas. I left a backpack for you with all the school supplies you need here, she gestured to the corner of the room, and feel free to ask Matt to call me if you need anything else.”

 

Later that night, when Matt came by to give him his meds, Tyler was hunched over his notebook, furiously writing on one of the blank pages.

“What are you working on?” Matt set down the cup of pills and a bottle of water on his desk and pulled up a chair next to him. Tyler quickly swallowed the pills, having become an expert at it, and closed his notebook.

“Oh, the usual. Just writing.” He gave Matt a small smile. As much as he liked the nurse, he wanted to keep the rods to himself. For now, at least.

“How are you feeling about tomorrow?” Tyler was annoyed that that seemed to be the only thing people wanted to talk to him about, but he understood. It was a big change for him, and he was hopefully leaving the hospital for good, though he wouldn’t have minded staying for a little while longer. He wouldn’t have minded staying for the rest of his life.

“I’m scared.” Tyler started. “But, I don’t know,  part of me also knows that this is the right thing, the next step for me. I can’t stay in the hospital forever.”

“That a boy.” Matt stood up and ruffled Tyler’s hair, who shied away but smiled at the touch. “I almost forgot! I got you this.”

Matt reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone.

“It’s my old phone. I recently upgraded to a newer model but this one works just fine so I figured you should have it. I already bought a cell plan to go with it so you won’t need to worry about that and I installed most of the apps. I can help you learn how to use it and stuff.”

“I… I can’t accept this.” Tyler took the phone and looked at the shiny metal and the glass touch screen.

“Yes, you can. It’s so that you can stay in touch with us more easily and stuff. Everyone has a cell phone these days, don’t worry about it.” Matt also pulled out a case and a charger and a pair of earbuds and set them down on the desk. “I also added you to my iTunes account so you have music on there too. You can use my playlists or create your own.”

“I don’t know what to say… Thank you.” Tyler stood up and awkwardly pulled Matt into a hug, and the nurse pulled him in even closer.

“I’m proud of you, you know? Your a good kid, Tyler.” Matt spoke softly into his ear and then pulled out of the hug. “I have to go check on some other patients but I’ll be back in a bit. Play around with it and let me know if you have any questions.”

“Thanks again.” Matt just smiled at him and then left the room.

Tyler was slowly starting to feel less alone in the world. He had detective Johnson and Matt by his side. Nevertheless, he worried. All the hard work he had done wasn’t enough to prepare him for the changes he would have to face tomorrow, and it scared him. What if the other kids were mean? What if the teachers pushed him too hard? What if he messed up, what if he failed at his only opportunity at a normal life?

  
  



	3. BROKEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi, uh, my name’s Tyler? I’m your roommate?” He didn’t know why everything he said always came out as a question. The boy’s head shot up and he fumbled with his phone, turning it off and putting it on the night table next to the bed.
> 
> “Oh, hi, nice to meet you. I’m Josh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The concert was beautiful and the entire time I couldn't stop thinking: what have we done to deserve Twenty One Pilots? Their songs have saved my life, and I wish I was joking when I say that. I have been so close to doing something stupid but haven't, because of them. I wish I could tell them that.

“Ready Tyler?” Dr. Ken poked his head into Tyler’s room, where he was sitting at his desk writing in his notebook. He quickly finished his thought before closing the the leather cover and putting it in the brand new backpack the detective had gotten him. He was already wearing the stiff school uniform and his bags were packed and ready, not that he had many belongings, so technically, he was ready.

Mentally, though, he felt completely unprepared.

Tyler had gotten used to the stability of his life at the hospital and wasn’t ready to give it up. He was afraid to meet new people, scared they would judge him or even bully him, and he was afraid of getting worse. He had been prescribed a cocktail of different pills that would hopefully stop that from happening, but one trigger could lead to the carefully built house of cards his team had created to protect him to come crashing down.

He was taking a pill for everything. Antidepressants, antipsychotics, some light painkillers for his constant aches and pains from prolonged muscle disuse, sleeping pills, and even an anxiety medication. They helped, but they didn’t fix everything. He still had nightmares most nights, and sometimes even woke up screaming, dripping in sweat.

Then it hit him.

He was going to have a roommate. A stranger, one of his future classmates, nonetheless, was going to share a room with him, and be with him when he experiences one of his episodes. Now that, he wasn’t prepared for.

“Yeah.” Tyler’s voice was faint, almost a whisper, and his hands were shaky. He swung the backpack over his shoulder and picked up the small duffle with his free hand. 

“I packed your meds and gave them to Ms Johnson so she can deliver them straight to the school’s administration, they won’t let you keep them in your room. I signed all your discharge papers. Everything’s in order.” Dr Ken reported as he led Tyler through the empty white halls only occupied by a couple nurses looking after their patients. 

“Thank you. For everything.” Tyler spoke softly, but he meant every word. Without his amazing team at the hospital, he wouldn’t be where he was right now.

“It’s my job, Tyler.” Dr Ken smiled.

“I know, but thank you for being patient… and not pushing… thanks for everything.” Tyler felt himself starting to get emotional but begged himself not to cry.

“You’re welcome. You deserve it Tyler. You’re a good kid.” Dr Ken turned to face him and pulled him into a quick hug. It was over shortly, but to Tyler it was worth so much. When he met these people he was at such a low. He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t eat, he could not even sleep. Now, he was a semi-functional teenager going off to school. 

“Tyler!” He turned around to see Matt jogging slowly up to him. His voice was a little winded when he caught up to them. “Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?” He teased.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Tyler whispered as the nurse pulled him into a hug.

“I’ll miss you too, kid.” Matt whispered back.

“Ready?” It was detective Johnson’s voice, Tyler looked passed Matt to see her waiting for him by the door.

“I think so.” His voice was barely above a whisper as he picked his bag up off the ground and walked towards her. She led him out the door and helped him put his things in the car. Before finding his seat, he turns to look at the hospital one last time. Matt and Dr Ken are standing just inside the sliding glass doors, waving and smiling. The building looks so cold and empty from her, but it had become his home. He had gotten to know the people that work there, he became friends with some of the patients. And he was going to miss it. But it was time to move on. As he waves back to the two men in the building, he knows it’s not goodbye, not forever. He will be back to visit, and he will stay in touch with Matt on the phone. It’s not goodbye forever.

He opens the door to the car and sits in the passenger seat. Detective Johnson starts the engine and the car slowly starts to roll, picking up speed as she pulls out of the parking lot and onto the street. Instead of talking, they just listened to the radio. Well, she was listening to the radio, for him it was just background noise as he looked out the window to the city he called home, yet knew nothing about. Sure, part of his therapies in the hospital included exposure to situations like riding the bus or shopping at the supermarket, but he hadn’t really explored the city. He didn’t know what the best restaurants were, he didn’t know any of the museums, he didn’t know where all the kids his age hung out.

Kids his age, classmates.

That thought sent shivers down his spine. The idea of socializing, having to make friends, with the kids at his new school. At the hospital, it was easy. Everyone knew and was respectful of what he was going through. They knew he could get silent, they knew that he was fragile, they knew that he was doing his best.

At this school, however, no one would know him. No one would know who he is, and just how damaged he was. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe they couldn’t judge him because they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he had a feeling that somehow they would  _ know _ just by looking at him.

He was pulled out of thoughts when he heard the engine shut off.

“Okay, Tyler, we’re here.” The detective opens the door of the car and steps out, grabbing his bags from the back. Tyler looks up to see that they are in a parking lot, filled with other vehicles and crowded with students and their parents. Beyond the parking lot are several old-looking stone buildings and grassy lawns with paved pathways cutting through them.

The sight was intimidating.

With his hand trembling slightly, he opens the door of the car and steps out, pulling his backpack out with him. Detective Johnson is looking through his papers, brow furrowed as she read.

“Okay… I have to go meet with the principle. Do you want to come with me or try to find your dorm?” He thought about it for a minute. He really didn’t want to be left alone, but the detective was going to leave eventually, and a meeting with the principle sounded bad.

“I’ll go find my room.” She handed him a piece of paper with his building and room number neatly printed on it, along with another name.  _ Joshua William Dun, 11.  _ “Is this my roomate?”

“Yes, Josh Dun, also a junior. They said that he’s one of the nicest kids in the school.” She smiled at him. “Do you want to take your bags with you?”

“Sure.” He took the duffle from her, and they said their quick goodbyes, but she promised to stop by his room after the meeting to help him look at his schedule and help him plan for his meeting with his guidance counselor.

As she went towards the main building that held the administration offices, he walked the other direction towards the dorms. He couldn’t help but feel a mix of sadness and jealousy as he saw the other kids walking with their moms and dads, smiling and laughing, while he was alone. Some even had their siblings with them. As he looked around he noticed that no one was wearing their school uniforms. They were all in jeans and shirts, dressed casually, while he was wearing the grey slats, white button down, and the grey sweater on top. He felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment as he walked up the steps to  _ Worthington, _ the the building he would call home for the next year.

Inside, it was crowded as kids moved suitcases and boxes into their respective rooms. In comparison, Tyler was severely under packed, but part of him was thankful for his limited belongings. There was a small room immediately to his right with a desk and smiley looking girl seated behind it.

“Are you here to check in?” The girl asked him cheerfully.

“I suppose so.” He cautiously walked up to the desk, setting his duffle bag down next to his feet.

“What’s your name?” She picked up a clipboard and a highlighter and looked up at him expectantly.

“Tyler… Tyler Joseph?” He didn’t mean for it to sound like a question, but saying his last name still hurt for some reason, maybe because it was the last thing that tied him to his parents.

“Tyler Joseph. Room 345.” She smiled, highlighting his name on the list, and grabbed a key from the wall behind her. “If you lose it we’ll give you a new one but it’ll cost you five dollars, so I recommend getting a keychain or something so you don’t.”

“Okay, thank you.” He carefully took the key out of her hand and walked out of the office. As he looked down the hallway, he sighed, feeling his heart rate increase and the desire to  _ run _ fill his head. To his left was a stairwell, so he opened the door and stepped in. Compared to the hallway, the silence was eerie but much appreciated. He walked up the stairs to the third floor, where his room was. It was the highest floor in this building, and he was glad there wasn’t going to be anyone above him. It would be quieter that way.

As he opened the door to the new hallway, the noise was still the same. Different kids this time, but still with their parents moving in their things. He walked down the hallway, reading the big brass numbers nailed into the wall next to each door. 301, 303, 105… and so on. He had to step aside to avoid the big brown boxes and suitcases. When he finally reached room 345, the door was already open. He peered inside to see a boy about his height with dark curly hair sitting on one of the beds, looking at his cell phone. The boy was wearing black jeans and a red knitted sweater, contrasting with the other kids in their light jeans and short sleeves. He slowly walked into the room and awkwardly cleared his breath in an attempt to get the other’s attention.

“Hi, uh, my name’s Tyler? I’m your roommate?” He didn’t know why everything he said always came out as a question. The boy’s head shot up and he fumbled with his phone, turning it off and putting it on the night table next to the bed.

“Oh, hi, nice to meet you. I’m Josh.” The boy stood up but stayed where he was. “I didn’t choose a bed yet in case you had a preference.”

“I’m good either way.” Tyler was oddly calmed by the fact that the other boy also seem a little nervous. It made him feel better that he wasn’t the only one.

“Okay, I’ll take this one then.” Josh said as he gestured to the bed he had been sitting on.

“Sounds good.” Tyler went over to his side of the room and looked around. There was a twin sized bed pushed up against the wall under a window. Next to it was a matching night table and behind it, pushed up against the footboard, was a dresser. Against the wall of the door was a desk and chair. He put his duffle bag on the bed and opened it. He pulled out his clothes: two pairs of jeans, a handful of shirts (both long sleeve and short sleeve), a hoodie, a warm coat for the winter and an extra uniform. He put the clothes away in the drawers, except on of the pairs of grey jeans, and a white long sleeve. There was a small bathroom attached to their room and so he stepped in and got changed, purposely taking as long as he possibly could without being suspicious. The whole time, Josh was just sat on his bed on his phone.

The bed only came with sheets and a thin blanket, so Tyler made a mental note to ask for more bedding when detective Johnson came back. He pulled the almost forgotten cell phone out of his pocket and opened it. He didn’t particularly feel like listening to music, but the silence between them was uncomfortable. Just as he was about to fish his earbuds out of his backpack, a man and a woman dressed in suits walked into their room. Josh looked up and them and then immediately jumped up off the bed, setting his cellphone down.

“Hello, Joshua.” The man shook Josh’s hand with so much force that Tyler was shocked he didn’t break the other boy’s arm off.

“Hello, father.” The boy responded.

“Your mother and I are going to be leaving now, we have a dinner party to attend. Your things should be arriving soon, but if they don’t give me a call and I’ll make sure they get here. Okay, goodbye son. We’ll see you at thanksgiving.” The man left the room.

“Bye, hon.” The woman pulled him into a quick hug that was anything but warm and then left as well. Josh sighed and plopped back down on the bed, laying down and staring at the ceiling.

“Were those your parents?” Tyler asked, hoping he wasn’t prying.

“Yeah, real good ones too.” Josh sighed again, his tone sarcastic.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler felt himself turning red, regretting having spoken in the first place.

“Why are you apologizing? It’s not your fault. Josh sat up, leaning against the wall.

“I shouldn’t have asked.” Tyler responded.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” Josh flashed him a quick smile. “Are you new here? I don’t think I recognize you from last year.”

“Yeah, first year.” Tyler gave him a shy smile.

“Where did you go before?” Tyler had been dreading this question from the moment he found out he would be going back to school.

“I did a private program thing.” Tyler tried to be as vague as possible, but being vagues also brought the threat of potential follow up questions.

“Cool.” Josh didn’t push further, and for that he was thankful.

“Have you always gone here?” Tyler asked, it was better than being on the the receiving end.

“Yeah, since the sixth grade.” Josh groaned, grinning widely at the same time, which made Tyler laugh.

“I’ll take it that’s not a good thing?”

“I mean, the school’s fine. The other kids are total dicks but for some reason they like me so it doesn’t affect me personally.” Josh explained.

“They are going to hate me.” Tyler let out a short laugh.

“Just stay out of their way and you’ll be fine.” Just as Josh finished his sentence there was a knock on their already open door where a man in a blue uniform stood, holding a clipboard.

“Delivery for Mr Dun?” The man looked at them expectantly.

“That’s me.” Josh stood up and took the clipboard, signing the paper. Then, he stepped outside and carried in two large duffle bags, followed by the delivery man who was carrying an additional bag. Josh thanked the man and close the door behind him. He started opening one of the bags and putting away the clothes inside.

“You have a lot of stuff.” Tyler commented, trying to make conversation.

“Yeah. To be fair, that one,” Josh gestured to the biggest bag on the ground near the door, “is all my baseball gear.”

“Are you on the team?”

“Yeah, my dad is a big fan and has put a lot of effort in my practice, so somehow I made it on.”

“I’m sure you’re really good.” Tyler smiled softly.

“Yeah, maybe.” Josh blushed a little bit. “Do you mind if I put on some music?”

“Not at all.” Tyler watched as Josh stood up and grabbed his cellphone, playing a song he didn’t recognize that had a nice rock sound to it.

“I love this song.” Josh grinned, tapping his hands against his thighs to the beat. Josh’s smile was so bright that Tyler couldn’t help but smile back.

There was a knock on the door and Tyler went to open it. It was detective Johnson, so he opened it wider and let her in.

“How’s it going so far?” She asked him, but before he had a chance to answer she turned to Josh and stuck out her hand for him to shake. “Hello, you must be Joshua, nice to meet you.” 

“Pleasure, but it’s just Josh.” He smiled politely.

“Okay then, Josh.” She turned back to Tyler. “Everything is good with the principle. They school will get you your meds at breakfast everyday, so no skipping. Your meeting with your counselor is tomorrow at nine in the morning, all the info is on this sheet of paper.”

She handed him a piece of paper with a name, building and room number, and a list of things to bring with him.

“Okay.”

“Here’s some cash that should last you until the next time I can stop by, try not to spend any unless you need it though.” she opened her wallet and pulled out several twenty dollar bills and handed them to him.

“Okay.”

“Are you good if I leave?” She asked.

“Yeah, I think so.” He nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, thank you for everything.” And he meant it. Without her, who knows where he would be right now. Definitely not here.

“Oh course, Tyler. You deserve it.” She smiled sadly at him. They said their goodbyes and he closed the door behind her, and then wandered back to his bed.

“Was that your mom?” Josh asked as he kept folding clothes and putting them in drawers.

“Oh…” Parents was another topic that Tyler had been dreading. “No, that was detective Johnson, my parents passed away when I was nine.”

Josh immediately stopped what he was doing and turned to face him.

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” His face was white, as though he had seen a ghost.

“It’s okay.” Tyler gave him a small smile and tried to sound sincere as he felt a pang of sadness in his chest. “Detective Johnson has been helping me a lot though, she’s the one who got me here.”

“That’s good, that you have someone on your side.” Josh wandered over to Tyler’s bed and took a seat next to him, but left a respectful amount of space between them

“I got lucky.” He agreed, gripping the edge of the bed with his hands. Feeling increasingly uncomfortable, Tyler changed the subject.  “What time is it?”

“Uh, noon.” Josh said as he read his cell phone’s screen.

“Do you want to get lunch?” Tyler wasn’t particularly hungry, but at least it would give him the opportunity to get to know the place.

“Sure, the cafeteria doesn’t open until dinner tonight but there’s a really good pizza place nearby we can go to.” Josh stood up and pulled some clothes out of the dresser.

“Sounds good.” Tyler also stood, but he was already ready so he just busied himself organizing his school supplies.

“Ready?” He looked up to see that Josh was wearing the same black jeans but had changed into a blue short sleeve, that showed a colorful and extensive tattoo on his right arm.

“Woah, dude, is that a tattoo? That’s so cool.” Tyler stood up and walked towards him to get a closer look. Josh stretched his arm out to show him.

“Pretty cool, right?” Josh grinned and Tyler nodded, still mesmerized by the colors. “I got it done this summer. My parents hate it though, so they make me wear long sleeves whenever I’m going to be seen with them.”

“I think it’s amazing.” Tyler looked up to meet the other’s eyes.

“Thanks.” Josh smiled and grabbed his car keys off the desk.

“You have a car?!” Tyler failed to hide his surprise.

“Yeah.” Josh opened the door, letting Tyler go out first before shutting it and locking it behind them. They walked in silence through the hallway towards the stairwell, and eventually got out of the building. They stayed quiet as they walked down one of the paved pathways amidst the old buildings and lush lawns until they got to the parking lot and eventually Josh’s car. Tyler lowered himself into the passenger seat and buckled his seat belt. Josh did the same.

“Do you want to connect your phone? You can choose the music.” Josh suggested as he started the engine and pulled out of the parking spot.

“Oh, sure.” Tyler fumbled for his phone that was in the pocket of his jeans. “Is there a cable?”

“No, it’s bluetooth.” Josh explained as he drove between the rows and rows of parked vehicles trying to find the exit.

“It’s what?” Tyler had very limited knowledge of technology and had no idea what Josh was talking about.

“Bluetooth?” Josh quickly glanced at Tyler who still looked confused. He pulled the car into the nearest empty spot. “Here, let me show you.”

Josh took the cell phone out of Tyler’s hand and started tapping some icons on the screen that the other boy did not recognize. Suddenly, one of Matt’s playlists was blaring on the speakers, which made Tyler jump in his seat. Josh laughed and lowered the volume significantly.

“Queen. I like it.” Josh grinned and pulled back out of the spot. The lyrics to Fat Bottomed Girls filled the air and Tyler smiled as Josh enthusiastically tapped the steering wheel with his fingers to the beat.

“My friend Matt introduced me to them. I love their stuff.” 

“They are absolute legends.” Josh grinned wider, if that was even possible.

Eventually they made it to the restaurant and parked the car. They stepped into the small building and Josh asked for a table. When they were seated, a waiter took their order, some waters and a margherita pizza to share because Josh insisted that it was the best thing on the menu.

“So, do you know your schedule?” Josh asked.

“Uh yeah, I actually have a picture.” Tyler opened his phone and handed it to the other boy, who read through it a couple times.

“Your taking a lot of classes.” Josh commented, still looking at the phone screen.

“Yeah, I’m missing a lot of credits.” Tyler took a sip of his water.

“You got mostly good teachers, and I think we have US history and chemistry together.” Josh handed the phone back. 

“Oh, cool.” Tyler smiled and put his phone back in his pocket. Just then, the waiter comes back to their table with the hot pizza. It’s an artisan Italian style, with a thin crust, red tomato sauce, and big white circles of mozzarella. They thanks the waiter and Josh took his phone out, taking a picture.

“Do you have an Instagram? I’ll tag you.” Josh briefly glanced up at Tyler as he typed something on his phone.

“No, I don’t.” 

“We can make you one later, if you want.” Josh frankly confused Tyler. He never pushed, never asked too many questions, and always just seemed to know what to say. Tyler was incredibly thankful for that.

“Okay, sure.” Josh grabbed a slice of pizza with his hands and Tyler did the same, and they ate in comfortable silence. They eventually went back to the school, and Josh gave Tyler a brief tour of the school, which only seemed to become more intimidating the more he saw it. There were so many students and so many buildings and just so much  _ new. _ As they finally walked the pathway, someone called Josh’s name.

“Joshie!” A boy yelled and jogged up to them slowly.

“Hey, Brendon! Long time no see!” The two boys hugged and exchanged hello’s.

“How’ve you been?” The boy, Brendon, asked Josh.

“Good, good. You?” Josh returned.

“I’ve been great.” This  _ Brendon _ was a little shorter than Tyler, with dark hair that was done up with gel. He was wearing light wash jeans, a white short sleeve shirt, and a black leather jacket.

“This is Tyler, my new roommate.” Josh gestured to him, and Brendon stuck out his hand. Tyler tried his hardest not to look as awkward and uncomfortable as he felt as he shook his hand.

“I’m Brendon, nice to meet you.” The boy gave him a polite smile.

“Pleasure.” Tyler smiled back.

“I’m meeting Dallon and some of the guys for dinner. If you want to join let me know and I’ll send you the details.” Brendon turned back to Josh.

“I think I’m just staying in tonight but I’ll let you know.” Josh smiled.

“Ok, man. Have a goodnight.” Brendon slapped Josh’s arm with his hand and gave Tyler a quick smile before heading off towards the parking lot.

“Brendon is one of the only tolerable people here, but make sure you stay on his good side.” Josh explained as they kept walking the path to their building.

“He seems nice.” Tyler answered.

“He is, he can be pretty… he’s a lot. But that’s why we love him.” Josh smiled. Tyler loved how he talked about his friends. “I was thinking we could just go back to the room, shower, get into something more comfortable, and maybe just grab dinner in the cafeteria? The food isn’t great but it’s not the worst.”

“Sure, sounds good.” Tyler nodded in agreement.

When they got into their room, Josh showered first so Tyler took the time to call Matt. He tapped the contact and waited as the phone rang, until he heard a familiar voice on the other side.

_ “Hello?” _ The voice on the other side sounded tired, and he felt a pang of guilt. Matt probably only just finished his shift and had to be exhausted.

“Hey, Matt. It’s Tyler.” 

“Ty! How are you? I’m so happy you called!” The man’s tone changed entirely, making Tyler smile and blush a little bit at just how excited the nurse was to hear from him.

“I’m good, I’m really good, actually. My roommate is really chill, the campus is a bit of a maze but nothing I can’t handle.” Tyler somehow could  _ feel _ Matt’s smile radiating from the other side of the phone.

“That’s great. I’m so happy for you.” He sounded so sincere. Tyler truly felt like he didn’t deserve a someone like him in his life.

“Thank you so much, Matt. For everything.”Tyler really meant it. The rest of his team of doctors and nurses had done so much for him, but Matt always went the extra mile. Not only was he his nurse, but in many ways he was his friend.

“Of course, Tyler.” Matt sounded a little emotional himself, which made Tyler let out a short laugh. “I’ve got to go back to work, but we can talk more tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay, goodnight.” 

“Goodnight, Ty.” Tyler hung up and smiled as he set the phone down, plugging it in to charge. It made him happy to know that people cared about him. After losing his parents, and his siblings, he often wondered he would ever have anyone to care about him. Someone to make sure he brushed his teeth and ate his vegetables. Someone to made sure he was feeling good and being good. Kids often took for granted the ways their parents showed how they cared, Tyler swore to never take that for granted again.

Josh opened the door to the bathroom, wearing black joggers and a white long sleeve that clung to his skin from the moisture.

“Did you not bother to dry yourself off?” Tyler teased as he grabbed his towel and headed towards the bathroom.

“I did!” Josh faked offense as he put his dirty clothes in a trash bag meant for laundry.

“Mhm, sure.” Tyler grinned and then walked into the small bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him. The water came out warm so he hopped in and quickly scrubbed himself clean, even washing his hair for good measure. The shampoo and conditioner smelled like green tea, which was surprisingly pleasant.

When he got out of the shower, he made sure to dry himself off all the way, unlike Josh had, and pulled on a pair of navy plaid pajama pants and a black hoodie.

He walked back into the room and the two pulled on their shoes and headed for the cafeteria, sharing light conversation as they ate soggy vegetables and dry chicken. After dinner, they went back up to the room and got ready for bed. It wasn’t late, so Josh decided to take it upon himself to teach Tyler everything he knew about technology.

He taught him about bluetooth, about gmail and google drive. He taught him about more about social media and helped him set up an Instagram account. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Josh suggested as he browsed through Netflix on his laptop.

“Sure.” Josh gestured for him to come over so Tyler got up and walked towards the bed, where the other boy had moved over to allow room for Tyler to sit next to him. Tyler carefully sat on the bed, trying not to appear too stiff as the other boy looked through the different options.

“What about Ghostbusters?” Josh suggested, scrolling through.

“I’ve never seen it, so sure.” Tyler tried to make himself comfortable by adjusting the pillows against the headboard.

“You’ve never seen Ghostbusters?” Josh looked at him with so much disbelief it made Tyler laugh. “Okay, we’re watching it.”

The movie was pretty good, but Tyler was tired. The dim lighting and the comforting presence of Josh next to him was enough to lull Tyler into a heavy sleep after an exhausting day, his first day in a new environment. Before he passed out, he prayed that at the very least he would sleep soundly, without nightmares, as not to scare Josh and embarrass himself. Although, Josh seemed like good guy, and Tyler was so incredibly thankful that he was his roommate.

  
  



	4. CLEAR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Nervous? No… I’m petrified.” Tyler shakes his head and chuckles, grinning. Josh also laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update!  
> What song(s) are you listening to as you read this? Comment bellow.  
> I am currently listing to Taxi Cab and thinking about their performance of it at the concert and how it made me SOB.

When Tyler woke up, there was sunlight trickling through the blinds. For a moment, he didn’t know where he was and felt an overwhelming sense of panic. He sat up quickly and took a deep breath when he recognized his surroundings as the dorm room.

“You okay?” He turned his head to see Josh sitting on the bed on the other side of the room, cell phone in hand, eyebrow raised in concern.

“Yeah, yeah. Just forgot where I was for a minute.” Tyler reached up to rub the back of his neck which ached from falling asleep in an uncomfortable position. He was on Josh’s bed instead of his own, and he slowly started to remember last night, how they were supposed to watch a movie together in the other boy’s bed, but Tyler fell asleep within minutes of it starting. “Sorry for falling asleep in your bed.” He mutters, rubbing his eyes..

“It’s no problem.” Josh smiles at him from across the room. Tyler liked his smile. It was big and bright, warm and friendly.

“What time is it?” Tyler asks, suddenly remembering his meeting with his counselor.

“8:10, why?” 

“I have a meeting with my counselor at nine.” Tyler hops off the bed, but immediately regrets his decision when his vision is cut and all he sees is darkness. He feels his body collapse to the ground, but is able to control the fall enough that he lands softly in a crouched position. Slowly, his vision comes back in spots and he can hear Josh saying name, although it’s fuzzy, as though he’s under water. This happened a lot. After not using his body for years, it had become weak and his heart still needed to get used to pumping blood, just as the rest of his organs and limbs also began to remember their respective jobs. His cheeks burn red with embarrassment when he sees Josh crouched right in front of him, looking concerned.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I just get light headed.” Tyler waves a hand in the air dismissively.

“Oh, okay.” Josh stands up and offers Tyler a hand, which he gladly accepts. Once standing, he places one hand on the night table to keep himself from falling again as his body acclimates to being on his feet. Eventually, he feels strong enough and lets go of the support.

“I need to get dressed.” Tyler walks over to the dresser and opens the top drawer, but then looks at Josh, realizing he has no idea what he’s supposed to wear. “Do I wear my uniform?”

“I wouldn’t. What do you have?” Josh walks over to him and Tyler gestures to the single drawer, with his very limited selection of clothing. Josh rummages through the drawer before shutting it and shaking his head. “Look, borrow something of mine.”

Josh walked over to his side of the room and pulled out a white short sleeve button down and a pair of dark blue skinny jeans.

“Here. It’s classy, but not too much. And on top you should wear your school hoodie, to show some spirit.” Josh weakly pumps a fist in the, almost sarcastically, if an action can be sarcastic.

“That makes sense, actually. Thank you.” Tyler takes the clothes from him and heads toward the bathroom to put it on. He walks in and notices that his hair is still tousled from sleeping so he runs his fingers through it, fluffing it up a bit in the process. When he slips out of his pajamas, he can’t help but notice how painfully skinny he still is. It wasn’t the kind of thin that was attractive, but rather the kind that makes people concerned.

But maybe they should be.

He still had a hard time eating, sometimes. On especially bad days, he couldn’t find the appetite to eat, and if someone made him he would just puke it out. Yesterday, with Josh’s company, it wasn’t an issue. With the welcomed distraction, he ate and the food without a second thought and it stayed down. For the first time in a long time he had felt relaxed, almost forgotten about the reality of his life. But now, standing in front of the mirror, his prominent rib cage and thin legs were a painful reminder.

The skinny jeans fit him looser than they fit Josh, but he still thought they looked pretty good. The button up complemented his figure perfectly, and as Tyler looked in the mirror he couldn’t help but be impressed with how good Josh had made him look.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, the other boy approached him.

“It fits you well-- the shirt I mean. My parents bought me a ton of these button ups but I hate how they look on me, you can have them if you want. And the jeans work. I like it.” Josh smiles and reaches up toward Tyler’s neck, who flinches away. Josh’s hand retreats and he looks at him with a flash of concern. “Oh, sorry, I was just going to unbutton the top one.”

“Oh, okay.” Tyler blushes red in embarrassment for the second time that morning as Josh reaches up again, slowly this time, and unbuttons the top of the shirt.

“You can borrow my Vans if you want. They would look good with the rest of it.” Josh moves away to look up and down at him again.

“Vans?” Tyler asks, not sure what the other boy is talking about.

“They’re a kind of shoe, here.” Josh walks across the room and comes back holding a pair of maroon shoes that look like they would be considered trendy.

“Thank you, I really appreciate this.” Tyler all of a sudden feels a wave of guilt. He’s only known Josh a day and is already taking so much from him.

“Don’t worry about it.” The boy gives him such a sincere, honest smile that Tyler can’t help but feel the guilt and worry wash away.

 

Josh walks with him to the administration building because Tyler has no idea where it is, and this school has proven to be some sort of maze. When they get to the building, the door to his counselor’s office is already open. He stands in the doorway and the young woman looks up to him, smiling.

“Can I help you?” She asks.

“My name’s Tyler Joseph, I’m here for a counseling meeting?” He tries not to stutter and even impresses himself when he doesn’t.

“Oh, hello Tyler! It’s nice to meet you. I’m Ms. Magee, take a seat.” Tyler mumbles a thank you and sits on the chair on the other side of her desk.

“So, you are a very peculiar case, aren’t you? It’s been a long time since you’ve been in school, but clearly it hasn’t been an issue for you academically- so far that is- but if you think there’s anything we can do to support you, let me know. All of your teachers have been alerted and know that it might take you a while to acclimate. It seems as though your schedule is an order so there isn’t much to discuss.”

“Okay.” Tyler manages, taken aback by how to the point the woman had been. He was expecting some long, drawn out conversation about all the credits he needed to graduate and about how his mental health might impact his experience at the school, but there was none of that. The woman seemed busy, or maybe she just didn’t care, but Tyler was thankful he wasn’t going to be forced to have a heart to heart with the stranger.

“Perfect. We’ll check in in a week or so then.” She gives him a bright smile and he nods in agreement, standing up and tucking in his chair.

“Well, that was fast.” Josh says when he sees him walking out of the room.

“Yeah, she seemed to be in a hurry.” Tyler agreed, shoving his hands into the jeans pockets. They leave the building and start wandering around campus. Josh points out more of the buildings and promises to help him out more tomorrow when classes start. The idea makes him shudder. He hasn’t been in a classroom in nearly seven years, he hasn’t even talked to other people his age, or people in general for that matter, in a really long time.

“Are you nervous?” Josh asks as they walk the shady, paved walkway between buildings.

“Nervous? No… I’m petrified.” Tyler shakes his head and chuckles, grinning. Josh also laughs.

“It’ll be okay, I promise.” Josh smiles and the to walk back to the dorm.

Tyler thinks he might just believe him.

 

They finish unpacking (well, Josh unpacks Tyler doesn’t have anything else to unpack so he just organizes his school supplies and keeps practicing how to use his laptop,) and then head to the cafeteria for lunch. It’s crowded today, very different compared to the deserted room it was last night, which makes Tyler very uncomfortable. Before his life got flipped upside down, he would have considered himself extroverted, a pretty outgoing guy. Now, he was anxious when it came to being social. It wasn’t that he didn’t  _ want _ to talk to the other students, it was that he felt like he couldn’t. Everytime he went to speak or look them in the eye, their was this extreme urge to  _ run _ and never come back. Of course, that wasn’t a socially acceptable reaction.

They got in line with their trays, scanning their student ID cards and then serving themselves from the selection of sandwiches and chips being offered today. Tyler goes with roast beef and salt and vinegar, Josh goes with turkey and barbeque. 

He watches while Josh scans the room, looking for a table. There are a few empty one’s towards the back, and Tyler is about to point them out when he realizes that Josh isn’t looking for an empty table. He’s looking for his friends. Josh had told him that he was pretty popular, but for some reason Tyler had pictured it to be them against the world. He knew that was ridiculous, considering he only knew the guy for about twenty four hours, but something about him was so  _ safe _ . Josh suddenly smiles big and waves, so Tyler follows his line of sight to a group of kids sitting at circular plastic table in the middle of the room. Amongst them in Brendon, a couple of other guys, and a few girls. They walk over and join them, Josh sitting next to Brendon and Tyler on the other end.

“Joshie! Good of you to join us.” Brendon teases, bumping him on the shoulder.

“Yeah! We missed you last night.” Another boy chimes in, grinning widely.

“Sorry boys.” Josh smiles back, looking down at his tray and picking up his sandwich. “Oh, this is Tyler, my roommate.”

“Hey.” Tyler smiles shyly and gives an awkward wave. All the eyes fall on him and there’s a sudden silence. After what felt like an eternity a girl with blue eyes and blonde hair reaches her hand out and introduces herself.

“Hi, I’m Jenna.” Tyler accepts her handshake and smiles back.

The rest of the kids introduce themselves but he doesn’t catch all their names, too focused on not looking the anxious mess he actually was. The whole time they are there, the others ignore Tyler and chat amongst themselves, talking about their summers and plans for the school year. He isn’t sure whether he’s thankful that they aren’t talking to him or asking him too many questions or if he’s put off by it. For now he appreciates the lack of attention.

 

After lunch, the other boys invite Josh to go play baseball with them and Tyler encourages him to go, so he returns to the dorm alone. He doesn’t mind, it gives him a chance to decompress and just… be. He sits at the desk and opens his notebook, flipping to the next blank page. None of the pages had ever truly been filled. His thoughts come in jumbles. Small phrases dripping with meaning and emotion that need to be connected, but never are.

One day he will string the words together into poems, but today is not that day. No new words come to mind.

He shuts the notebook and opens his computer. Plugging in his headphones, he opens iTunes and hits play on one of the many classic rock playlist, the upbeat tunes making him smile.

 

After a few hours, Josh comes back sweaty and breathless. The other boy cleans himself up and changes into sweats, his shirt sticking to his skin that is still wet from the shower.

“Sorry for taking so long.” Josh apologizes as he plugs his cellphone into the wall.

“What do you mean?” Tyler asks, spinning in slow circles on his desk chair.

“With my friends, I should have come back sooner.” Tyler doesn’t understand why the boy is apologizing so much.

“Oh, it’s no problem, really. Did you have fun?” Tyler, still confused, shifts the attention over to Josh.

“Yeah, I guess.” He sighs, sitting on the bed and running his fingers through his damp curly hair.

“You don’t sound convinced.” Tyler teases.

“They’re nice guys, I just don’t feel we really get along, you know?” Josh explains.

“Yeah, I get it.” But the truth was, he didn’t  _ really  _ get it. Sure, he had a general idea of what the other boy meant, but he had very limited experience in the whole friendship department.

“Are you excited for tomorrow?” Josh asks.

“Terrified.” Tyler laughs.

“Ah, don’t worry. I’ll help you out if things get hard.” Josh said casually, grabbing his laptop and scrolling through whatever page he had open. The other boy must not have realized the impact that those words had on Tyler. It was incredibly comforting, especially to a kid who had lost everyone important in his life, to know  _ someone _ was on his side.

“I really appreciate that, thank you.” Josh said something along the line of ‘of course’ and shot him a quick smile before turning his attention back to the laptop.

The rest of the evening was mellow. Josh introduced Tyler to the concept of ‘Vine’ with he found absolutely ridiculous, but also really entertaining. They ate in the cafeteria, which to Tyler’s relief was practically empty, and then got ready for bed. As they got into their beds, they both set several alarms just in case they had a hard time getting up.

“Don’t worry too much about tomorrow, okay? It won’t be that bad.” Josh says as he turns of the lamp.

“Yeah, I know… I just haven’t been to school in so long.” Tyler muttered into the darkness.

“What was the private program thing like?” Josh asks, and Tyler thinks about how to answer. He could be honest and share all the gritty details of his messed up childhood, or he could lie. He opts for a vague answer.

“Oh, you know. Awkward deadlines and lack of collaboration.” It wasn’t a complete lie. There were sets of challenges or assignments he had to complete every few weeks and he was the only student in the hospital, so it  wasn’t as though he was being dishonest.

“Hmm. Why did you stop?” Tyler silently thanked Josh for not questioning the lack of detail.

“Just time for a change, I guess.” Tyler sighed.

“Hmm. I get that.” They both laid in silence for a minute. “Goodnight, Tyler.”

“Goodnight.” But Tyler didn’t sleep. The darkness and the threat of uncertainty kept him awake until the early hours of the morning, when he finally fell prisoner to a restless sleep filled with nightmares and fear.

  
  



	5. INNOCENCE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Nightmare or anxiety?” Matt asked, shifting from friend mode to doctor mode.
> 
> “Both. They forgot to give me my meds on Sunday. And honestly? I didn’t even notice until later that night. I just was finally starting to feel like a normal kid, you know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the end is rushed, I just didn't really have much more to write about

_ The room was dark when Tyler sat up, looking around at his surroundings. His brother was in his own bed across the room, snoring quietly. There was the sound of distant yelling coming from downstairs which made the hair on his arms stand straight up in fear. _

_ The yelling only grew louder and louder, until a gunshot rang through the air. _

_ And then everything was silent. _

_ His brother groaned, sitting up in bed. _

_ “What was that?” Zack asks him, his voice groggy and tired. _

_ Tyler doesn’t answer. _

_ There’s another yell. _

_ Another gunshot. _

_ The slamming of a door. _

_ And then there’s silence. He and Zack stay still, silent, until the cries of their baby brother bring them back to reality. _

_ “Go get Jay. I’ll find Maddy.” Tyler tries to sound sure of himself, but his voice shaky. Fear takes over, drowning out everything. He walks down the hall, quietly as not to bring attention to himself, until he reaches his sister’s bedroom. The light is off but when he turns it on she isn’t anywhere to be seen. _

_ “Mads?” He whisper shouts into the room. There’s a sound coming from under the bed. It’s like something between a cry and a whimper. He crouched to see his little sister curled up in a ball under the wooden frame, clutching her plush giraffe closely to her chest. When she sees him, she only retreats further away. _

_ “Maddy, it’s okay. It’s just me, Tyler.” He catches her eyes, which are glazed over from tears and fear. “Come on out, take my hand. We’ll be okay.” _

_ The little girl crawls out from under and he takes her tiny hand in his own, and they leave the bedroom. In the hallway they are met by Zack, who’s holding tiny Jay in his arms, bouncing him and lulling him into a restless sleep. Together, the sibling walk down the stairs, where they see their parents for the last time. _

_ And they’re dead. _

“Tyler? Tyler! Wake up! Tyler?” Tyler’s eyes snap open and he quickly draws himself away from the source of the noise. The room is dark and silent except for his heavy breathing and Josh’s voice yelling his name.

Josh.

_ Oh my God _ . Tears rim Tyler’s eyes as he remembers where he is and realizes that it was all just a nightmare, and how Josh had been there to witness it. Then it hit him. He didn’t take his pills yesterday. No one gave them to him at the cafeteria.

“Tyler, are you okay?” Josh’s voice is clearer, louder now. “You were screaming.”

Tyler’s eyes slowly adjust to the low light and he sees the other boy standing by his bed, dark curly hair messy from sleep and eyebrows furrowed in worry.

“Yeh. Nightmare. Sorry.” Tyler mumbles, rubbing his face to try to get rid of the tears and bring himself back into reality. He glances at the alarm clock on his night stand which shows 4:56.

“Do you have nightmares a lot?” The bed creaked as Josh climbed on the bed with him, sitting against the wall but leaving a respectful difference between them.

“Yeh.” Tyler feels helpless. There’s no use in lying.

“Hmm.” They sit in silence for a minute, Tyler crying quietly while wondering what Josh is thinking, wondering why he’s sitting on the bed next to him.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler mutters, his voice muffled by his hands on his face.

“Why?” Josh speaks softly.

“I don’t know… For waking you up?” Tyler was just sorry that Josh was stuck with him as a roommate in general.

“I don’t mind.” Josh sounded genuine, but Tyler had forgotten how to trust people long ago.

They stayed like that for a long time. There was no way Tyler was going to fall asleep again, and Josh insisted on staying up with him. Eventually, the curly haired boy did fall asleep. He was still in Tyler’s bed, snoring quietly in a way that made Tyler feel a pang of…  _ something... _ as it brought back memories of sharing a room with his brother. 

Eventually the sound of the alarm blaring through the room made him jump and woke up Josh, who sleepily hit the stop button and stood up, stretching.

“Were you able to get any sleep?” Josh asked him as he turned on the lights.

“No.” Tyler stood up, slowly as not to collapse again, and walked over to his dresser, pulling out the crisp school uniform. He took  the clothes to the bathroom and looked at his reflection. His short brown hair was fluffy and messy, and there were dark bags under his eyes. He was sticky from the dried sweat so opted to take a quick shower, they had a couple hours until his first class anyway. 

After scrubbing himself clean and changing into the uniform, he steps out to find Josh is already ready, scrolling through his cell phone which is playing music quietly. When Tyler walks out, the other boy looks up at him and smiles.

“Ready to go?” Josh aks, backpack swung over his shoulder. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Tyler pulls on his shoes and follows Josh outside the dorm. As they walk across the campus, he observes the other students. All the boys are dressed like him- pants, white button up, grey sweater. Although it was still summer, the mornings were chilly. The girls were wearing skirts with stockings covering their legs and wore the same white button up and sweater combination. All the girls had their hair pulled back into slick braids. Honestly, the sight was a little intimidating, but at the same time, something about looking exactly like everyone else was comforting.

As they pushed open the doors of the cafeteria, Tyler felt panic rise in his chest. It was loud and crowded and he was reminded once again of how he didn’t know what he was doing. He followed Josh as they went to scan their ID cards and grab trays. Although he wasn’t hungry, he grabbed a muffin in case his appetite came back to him. He continued to follow Josh, trying to ignore the commotion around him, and they ended up at the same table as yesterday, with the same people. Josh sat in between him and Brendon, the same nice blonde girl he met yesterday on his right.

“Hey, it’s Jenna. Tyler, right?” The girl gave him a big smile and he tried to the same, hoping it didn’t look as forced as it was.

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“Your new, starting as a junior?” She asked. Clearly she was curious. Who wouldn’t be?

“Yeh. How long have you been going here?” He hoped she caught the memo that he didn’t want to talk about himself. She seemed like a nice girl so he hoped he wasn’t coming across as too rude. He listened as she talked about her childhood in Columbus and how after middle school she applied here, and got in. He nodded occasionally to show he was listening but his mind was elsewhere. The rest of the kids paid no attention to him, Josh was busy chatting with the other boys about sports and the other girls sounded as though they were gossiping. He wondered if he was part of the gossip. 

“Tyler Joseph?” A voice pulls him out of his thoughts and he looks up to see a woman dressed in a pencil skirt and blouse.

“That’s me.” He raises his hand awkwardly and the woman hands him a tiny paper cup with the day’s pills. The table fell silent and they all watched him unscrew the cap of a plastic water bottle and swallow the pills, one by one. He does it easily enough, now used to the heavy doses of medication, but even the routine task feels incredibly difficult and awkward with the pairs of eyes watching him intently. He takes the pills and then looks around the table, trying to say  _ what are you looking _ without actually using words _. _ Josh starts saying something to the boys and the conversations resume, and Tyler sighs in relief. He turns his attention to his breakfast, it’s best to have some food in your stomach when taking medication.

“Tyler, we should probably get going.” He looks up to see Josh standing, so he gets up from the table, where the others are still seated, finishing up their breakfast. Jenna hands him a napkin with what looks like a phone number scribbled onto in in pen.

“It was nice talking to you, here’s my number. Feel free to text me whenever.” He nods and gives her a smile before stuffing the napkin into a pocket of his backpack. As they walk away from the group, Josh playfully punches him on the shoulder.

“Dude! You just got Jenna’s number! She’s like, the most popular girl at the school!” Josh was so excited and it made Tyler chuckle.

“So?” He was a little amused, but also a little confused. He didn’t understand why was getting her phone number so impressive.

“That means she likes you. Tyler, you are so innocent oh my God.” Now it was Josh’s turn to laugh, and Tyler’s turn to blush. Josh was right. How could he be so naive?

“Oh God. What do I do?” He asks as they push open the cafeteria doors and start making their way towards Tyler’s first class, which is conveniently all the way across campus.

“Well, do you like her back?” Josh questions, and Tyler thinks about it for a bit. The girl is pretty and nice, don’t get him wrong, but a relationship isn’t exactly his number one priority at the moment. His goal for the school year was to  _ survive _ and not make too big of a fool of himself.

“I mean, I guess. But I don’t know if I want to date anyone right now.” He sighed.

“I get that. Just make sure to keep things friendly, in case you change your mind.” Josh pushed open the door to the building and Tyler followed him in. It was eerily silent, most of the students were still getting breakfast or making their way to their respective classrooms. “Okay, here we are room 216. I’ve never had this teacher, so I don’t really know what else to tell you. I’m gonna head to my own class right now, but text me when your out and I can help you find your second period.”

“Okay, thank you.” Josh starts to walk away but then Tyler realizes he still doesn’t have Josh’s phone number. “Wait, Josh, I don’t have your phone number.”

But it was too late, the other boy had already slipped out the doors and disappeared into the crowd. Other students were coming in now, and the building was getting louder and louder. He sighs, giving up on trying to looks for his roomate. The bell rings and he steps back as a small group of students push past him to the door. When they open it, he slips behind them. Unnoticed, undetected. Just like he has been his whole life. He sighs in relief when he sees a seating chart being displayed on the whiteboard by the projector, not having to pick where you sit reduced a lot of the stress for him. He made his way to his assigned desk, which was right up in the front of the room near the teacher’s desk. Something told him it was on purpose. The rest of the students shuffle in, all chatting amongst one another and catching up. The teacher came in a few minutes later, looking rushed as he made his way to the whiteboard and wrote his name  _ MR GOYA _ in a messy handwriting on the whiteboard.

“Good morning everybody! My name is Mr. Goya, and this will be AP Calculus BC. Today we are going to be taking a quiz so I can figure out what I need to review from trigonometry before we can start to cover new material. Take out a pen or pencil and scratch paper if you think you’ll need it so we can go ahead and get started.” The teacher hurried over to his desk and pulled out a stack of paper. The class groaned in annoyance and the students started to pull out their supplies, so he did the same, looking for a pen. He didn’t like pencil. Once he had a black ink pen in his hand he straightened in his seat, looking up to see his teacher right in front of him, making him jump in his seat in surprise.

“Mr. Joseph, I was warned that you might have a hard time with this class because you haven’t been in school for a while. Are you okay to take this quiz today or would you like something else to work on?” The teacher sounded like he was just trying to be nice, but Tyler couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed and a little embarrassed. He scored perfectly on the math assessment he took so he could get in to this school, so why were his math abilities being questioned?

“I think I’ll be okay, thanks.” He hoped that the tinge of annoyance in his voice was successfully masked. The teacher nodded and offered him a small smile as he started to hand out the quizzes to the class.

An hour later, the teacher was collecting their papers. In Tyler’s opinion, it was really easy. Basic graphing principles and math analysis, nothing he couldn’t handle. One question did ask about the derivatives of function with three different variables and he had a hard time solving it all the way through, but overall he thought it went really well. If the groans and sighs coming from the rest of the class were anything to go by, they didn’t feel the same way.

After the bell rang, he remembered that he couldn’t text Josh and the anxiety of being lost in a new environment came back to him. He thought about just venturing out and trying to find his next class himself, but one look at the crowded courtyard was enough to convince him that that was probably a bad idea. And then he remembered. He unzipped the smallest pocket of his backpack and found, a little crumpled but still intact, the napkin with the phone number scribbled in neat, girly font. He took out his cellphone and copied the series of numbers into the contact field for a new text message and wrote.

_ Tyler: hey. it’s Tyler. do you have Josh’s phone number by any chance? _

She responded instantly.

_ Jenna: no, sorry. _

_ Jenna: need help with anything? _

He paused for a minute. He really wanted to accept her offer, but he didn’t want to seem needy or pathetic. In the end, he pushed aside.

_ Tyler: yes, actually. I’m looking for room 409, where is it? _

_ Jenna: where are you now? _

_ Tyler: outside of the 200’s building _

_ Jenna: I’ll be right there _

He sighed in relief and pocketed the cellphone, his eyes scanning the groups of students milling around the school as he waited for the blonde girl to come. When he spotted her, he waved to her awkwardly and she came up to him, smile on her face.

“I’m guessing Josh didn’t do the best job explaining how the campus is organized.” Tyler shook his head. “It’s pretty simple, actually. Imagine that that statue there in the middle of the campus is the center of a clock. As you go clockwise, the building number increases until number six, where you can find the six hundred rooms, and then starts again at one.”

“Oh. That’s not so bad.” Tyler looked around and counted the buildings. Sure enough, there were six building in a rough circle, the other nonacademic ones were further away, to avoid confusion.

“I gotta go to class, but like I said earlier, feel free to text me whenever.” She smiled brightly and they said their goodbyes, going their separate ways.

The rest of the morning went by pretty slowly. He had english and history, where the teachers went on and on about the syllabus and class materials and other boring stuff that he didn’t care about. They all handed worksheets that covered the same information they were talking about, so instead of paying too much attention to their words, Tyler found himself drawing absentmindedly in his notebook. The pictures didn’t make sense, they were just loosely drawn figures, roughly sketched flowers, meaningless symbols he came up with.

At lunch, he wandered to the cafeteria. He didn’t particularly  _ want _ to go there, but where else was he to go? He could go to the dorm but his stomach growled, reminding him of the breakfast he skipped. When his phone buzzed, he pulled it out to see a message from Jenna.

_ Jenna: we are all at the cafeteria, same table as this morning. Josh is here too. _

_ Tyler: I’ll be right there _

He smiled as he pocketed the cell phone. There was something about not being completely alone that brought comfort despite the incredibly uncomfortable circumstances. When he got to the big room, he scanned his ID and picked up a tray with a small bowl of mac and cheese and fried chicken strips. He easily found the tabled and sat in his designated spot between Josh and Jenna.

“Tyler! Sorry I forgot to give you my number.” Josh scooted over on the bench to give him a bit more room. “How were your classes?”

“Fine, I guess. Even after not going to school for six years, it’s still really boring.” Tyler laughed.

“Hmm. Don’t worry, soon enough the ‘really boring’ will be replaced with ‘really hard’.” Josh chuckled with him.

“Speaking of,” Brendon spoke up from where he was sitting to the left of Josh. “I had that new math teacher, Mr. Goya, and he gave us this quiz today? It was so hard.”

“Or maybe your just dumb.” A tall kid with brown hair teased from the other side of the table.

“Ha ha.” Brendon rolled his eyes, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“I, uh, I have him first period. I’m pretty good at math, if you ever need help let me know.” Tyler offered shyly.

“Oh, thanks. I’ll let you know.” Brendon gave him a small smile, and then opened his mouth to say something else. “What did you mean earlier, when you said you hadn’t been to school in six years?”

It was like this morning all over again. Everyone else at the table fell silent and looked at him, curiously waiting for his answer.

“I did a private program thing.” Tyler tried to sound as casual and cool as possible, trying to hide the fact that he was so incredibly anxious.

“Oh, cool.” Brendon said simply and turned to the same brown haired boy that made a joke earlier and started talking to him instead. Tyler sighed in relief as the rest of the students also resumed their conversations and the eyes moved off of him.

 

After classes finished for the day, Tyler made his way back to the dorm where he immediately collapsed onto his bed, exhausted both physically and emotionally. Josh sent him a text saying he had gone straight to practice and that he would be back in time for dinner, so Tyler decided to shower now so that the other boy could have it when he got back. He changed out of the uniform and hopped under the hot water, rinsing away the tension in his shoulders. When he was done, he dried himself off and changed into a white short sleeve and jeans. Luckily none of his teachers had assigned any homework, so he took the time to call Matt.

The phone only rang once before he picked up.

“Tyler! You’re alive!” The nurse greeted him excitedly from the other end of the phone.

“That I am.” Tyler chuckled tiredly.

“First day of classes! How was it!”

“I mean, it was fine. I was really tired. Didn’t get much sleep last night.” His sore body was a painful reminder of that.

“Nightmare or anxiety?” Matt asked, shifting from friend mode to doctor mode.

“Both. They forgot to give me my meds on Sunday. And honestly? I didn’t even notice until later that night. I just was finally starting to feel like a normal kid, you know?” Tyler felt himself start to get a little emotional.

“I get it, but you  _ are _ a normal kid, Ty.” Matt reassured him.

“Just a little broken.” He muttered.

“Who said broken was a bad thing?” 

“Literally everyone ever?” Although what he had said didn’t make sense, Matt’s neverending attempts at making everything positive made him chuckle. Just then, the door unlocks and Josh walks in, clothes and messy hair drenched in sweat.

“Hey.” The curly haired boy says breathlessly as he kicks off his shoes.

“Hey Josh.” Tyler gives him a small smile.

“I’m at work right now so I have to go anyway so go hang out with your roommate.” Matt says from the other end of the line.

“Okay, it was nice talking to you, Matt.” They exchange their goodbyes and Tyler hangs up, placing his cellphone on the nightstand.

“Friend from home?” Josh asks as he grabs a change of clothes from the dresser.

“Something like that.” Tyler thinks about telling Josh the truth. He seems like a nice guy, the kind that would understand, but he decides not to push his luck.

“I’m gonna go shower so we can go get dinner early, I think we could both use the sleep.” Tyler agrees and watches as the other boy disappears into the bathroom.

When Josh finishes, they grab food from the cafeteria but bring it back up to their room to eat it while finishing the movie they started Saturday night. Admittedly, Tyler wasn’t really  _ watching _ the movie. He was thinking about it all, about how crazy his life had become, yet how all of it felt so weirdly normal to him.

That night, as he laid in bed staring at the ceiling, he prayed for a restful sleep free of nightmares.

  
  



	6. HONESTY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he made it to his dorm room, he unlocked the door and walked in, surprised to see Josh was already there, sitting on his bed. He was about to open his mouth to say hello, but something was off.

The week went by slowly, but surely. Every morning, Tyler and Josh woke up, walked to the cafeteria, sat at the same table with the same people, and ate breakfast. Tyler took his pills while everyone stared at him, and then they talked amongst themselves and he just listened. Than he went to his classes, which were going surprisingly well. After school he would go to his dorm, call Matt, and do his classwork. He and Josh grabbed dinner, and they would go to sleep.

Jumping back into things was easier than he thought it would be and the consistent routine was doing good things for his anxiety.

That is, until Friday came around.

He woke up to the blaring sound  of his alarm, and rolled over to hit snooze. Josh groaned as he did the same to his phone alarm, and the two boys begrudgingly got out of bed. Neither of them showered, opting instead to just pull on their uniforms and head straight to breakfast. They walk in silence but it’s comfortable.

Once they are settled at their usual table, the rest of the group slowly joins them, including Jenna who offers him a small smile, which he returns awkwardly.

“How have you been liking it here so far?” She asks him, voice way to cheery for this early in the morning.

“So far so good.” He doesn’t really elaborate, mostly because there isn’t much to say. His life revolves around his classes and his limited interaction with the group at the very table they are sitting at right now.

“Has Josh been treating you well?” Before Tyler can respond, Josh fakes an offended gasp and leans over him to give Jenna a pointed look.

“I am and  _ incredible _ roommate. Right Tyler? He basically won the lottery with me.” Josh laughs at his own joke.

“I mean he’s okay I  _ guess _ .” Tyler smirks and rolls his eyes playfully, barely recognizing this side of himself. “Nah, Josh is great.”

Before they can continue the conversation, the nicely dressed woman comes by and hands him the cup of pills, and once again, like every single morning without fail, all eyes fall on him. But this time, someone gets the guts to speak.

“What are those pills for, anyway?” Brendon asks, clearly trying not to sound  _ too _ curious. The girl sitting next to him, Sarah, elbows him in the side, whispering something reprimanding to him under her breath.

“Oh, you know. I’ve got one for everything.” Tyler figures he can try to use a sarcastic tone to hide the fact that he isn’t joking. One by one, he picks up the small pills and swallows them with the help of the water bottle. “This one is for anxiety. This one’s for the depression. Oh, and these are my antipsychotics.”

He flashes them a wild grin before taking the last of the pills. They all stare at him for a minute, as though deciding whether or not he is joking, before breaking into laughter. He exhales in relief that they bought it and turns to his neglected breakfast of bacon and eggs, forcing himself to at least eat half of it.

 

As he takes a seat at his assigned desk in Calculus, he sees that the quizzes they took at the beginning of the week were already passed out and on their desks. He picks up the piece of paper and scans over the problems. He scored a 98 percent. Not too shabby, considering it’s the first quiz he’s taken in six years. Then he hears someone clearing their throat, and looks up to see his teacher crouched in front of the desk.

“Mr. Joseph. I just wanted to apologize for Monday, when I questioned your abilities. You scored top of the class. Congratulations.” The teacher gave him an apologetic smile.

“Oh, thanks.” Tyler manages as he feels his face reddening. Judging by the groans and annoyed tones in the voices of the other students around him, not everyone did as well. He’s not sure whether he should feel proud, considering the quiz was purely review material, and wouldn’t count towards their final grade. Before he can overthink it too much, the teacher moves back to the front of the room, now addressing the whole class.

“Okay. Everyone did fairly well on the assessment we took on Monday, and I’m confident that we can go ahead and jump into the new material. For those of you who struggled, my classroom is open every day after class until six so feel free to stop by.”

The teacher delved into a lecture, and although he felt he already had a fairly good understanding of the material, Tyler took notes, wanting to start off the year strong.

 

After all his classes for the day, he took the time to walk the longer way back to the dorm. He hadn’t had much time to explore the campus on his own, and now he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful it was. The buildings were old and made of gray stone that looked as though it was straight out of a movie. The grass was so green it almost didn’t look real, and the idyllic scene was complete by the groups of students dressed in pristine uniform wandering campus. For the first time, he notices that one of the grassy fields is hillier than the others and has trees planted randomly throughout it with benches scattered around the shade. He notices a small sign saying ‘William Dun Park’, realizing that that had to be a relative of Josh’s. He knew Josh was well off, but having a place on campus dedicated to their family probably meant they were pretty wealthy.

When he made it to his dorm room, he unlocked the door and walked in, surprised to see Josh was already there, sitting on his bed. He was about to open his mouth to say hello, but something was off. Not only was he still in his uniform, but he was sitting up with his legs drawn up against his chest, chin leaning against his knees, eyes squeezed shut, hands tugging sharply at his hair.

“Hey, Josh, everything okay?” Tyler cautiously crossed the room to stand in front of the other boy, tossing his backpack aside gently, trying not to spook his roommate. When Josh didn’t respond, his initial instinct was proven true: Josh was having some sort of panic attack. Although Tyler has had many, he had no idea what he was supposed to do to help someone else who was in the midst of one. Slowly, he fished out his cell phone from his pocket and dialed Matt’s number.

“Hey, buddy. What’s up?” Matt’s cheerful voice came from the other side of the line.

“Matt, I need your help. Josh, my roommate, I think he’s having an anxiety attack? He’s not responding to my voice and he’s pulling his hair and breathing really hard and I don’t know what to do.” Tyler’s voice was quiet but rushed as he felt the panic rising in his own chest while he explained the situation.

“Okay, Tyler, breathe. You can’t help him if your panicking. Do you remember those grounding exercises I taught you? Let’s try walking him through one of those. Put me on speaker.”

“Okay.” Tyler set the phone down on the nearest surface and puts it on speaker.

“Josh, can you do me a favor?” Matt’s voice come out of the phone loud and clear. “Can you tell me five things you can see?”

Josh doesn’t speak right away, but he slowly opens his eyes and looks around, cautiously.

“Uh… Tyler. Bed. Desk. Chair… Dresser?” Josh’s voice is hoarse from crying and for the first time Tyler notices the tear stains on his cheeks.

“Good, now four things you can can touch or feel.” Matt continues and all Tyler does is watch as his roommate’s demeanor slowly starts to change.

“The bed, my hair, my clothes… My face.” Josh’s breathing starts to slow as he regains control of the situation.

“Very good. Now three things you can hear for me.”

“You. People in the hallway. My, uh, my voice.” Josh swallows hard.

“Perfect. Now one thing you can smell or taste.”

“Uhm. I can smell soap, from the bathroom.” Josh says shakily, but significantly more slowly and controlled than the first words.

“Great. Okay, now, Josh, can you take one big deep breath for me?” Matt asks. Josh does just that, a little shaky but at least he has some control now. “Very good. Tyler, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Tyler picks up the phone and takes it off speaker. He brings it to his ear but keeps his eyes on Josh, who is still on the bed, not making eye contact with him but clearly trying to take more deep breaths.

“You did a good job, Tyler. You made the right decision, calling me. The best thing you can do for him now is try to understand why it happened but don’t put pressure on him to talk. He’ll tell you if he wants to. Make sure he gets some water and eats. Sleep could help, too.”

“Okay, got it. Thanks Matt, for everything.” Tyler mumbles tiredly. Although the entire thing all together only lasted a handful of minutes, he knew how exhausting panic attacks could be, and in that moment he truly empathised with Josh, really understanding what he had gone through.

“Of course, bud. I’ve gotta go but feel free to call me if you ever need anything.” They exchange their goodbyes and Tyler hangs up and puts the cell phone down on the nightstand before turning his attention back to Josh.

“Can I sit here?” He gestures to the spot on the bed next to Josh, who seems to think about it for a moment before giving him a small nod. Tyler gingerly sits on the bed, leaving a respectful amount of space between them. They sit in silence for a minute, before Josh breaks it.

“This morning, when you said what your pills were for, were you really joking?” The question isn’t what Tyler was expecting. He thinks about lying, but he decides that he can trust Josh, at least with this.

“No. I wasn’t kidding.” Tyler replies, unsure of where this conversation is going.

“Does it work?” Josh untucks his legs and repositions himself so he is sitting cross-legged. He looks up at Tyler for a brief moment, but his facial expression is blank and tells nothing of what he is thinking about.

“Well, I guess so. It helps me sleep and keeps me relatively calm.” He explains.

“Cool.” Josh replies simply, leaving Tyler a little relieved that he didn’t have any more questions, but also a little confused that he didn’t want to know more.

“Have you had a panic attack before?” Tyler regrets the question as soon as it slips out of his mouth and goes to apologize. “You don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine. I wouldn’t call it a panic attack. I just get anxious sometimes. It’s not a big deal.” Josh starts tugging at a loose thread on his sock.

“If it bothers you than it is a big deal. You don’t have to bottle it up. It’s okay to  _ feel _ .” Tyler is fascinated by Josh. The boy is so understanding and accepting of Tyler’s feelings, but completely resistant to his own.

“You sound like a therapist.” Josh chuckles softly, and the sound of his laugh alone makes Tyler smile.

“I’m not surprised. I’ve spent too much time around medical professionals.” Tyler is surprised at how  _ easy _ it is for him to talk to Josh. He had never felt this way, not even with Matt, but there was something about the boy that made Tyler feel safe.

“What do you mean?” Josh peers up at him, and Tyler pauses for a minute, contemplating whether or not he should tell the whole truth, part of the truth, or just straight up lie. He decides that so far he’s been honest, and Josh hasn’t given him a reason not to be.

“Do you want the long story or the short version?” Tyler sighs.

“Long version, we’ve got time.” Josh replies.

“Well, get comfortable.” Tyler starts, leaning his back against the wall. “When I was nine. My parents were shot and killed by some stranger while I was home. My three siblings and I all survived, but I was the only one who wasn’t adopted by a family. I was sent to foster care, where every few weeks I would get moved and placed in a different house. Eventually, I was sent for long term placement at this orphanage in Columbus. The issue with me was I wasn’t the same kid I was before the whole… incident. I was really messed up from the trauma and I didn’t ever feel the desire to do anything. And I mean  _ anything _ . I didn’t eat because I couldn’t find the appetite, I didn’t sleep because I was afraid of the nightmares, I didn’t do anything because I couldn’t find the desire to move from my spot on the cot where all I did was sit still and stare at the wall. If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone who knew me back then. Of course, it didn’t end well for me. The lady who ran the orphanage tried to force me to eat and move and stuff and so sometimes I did, but it took a lot of convincing. The ‘I’ll beat you with a cane if you don’t do this’ kind. The other kids were horrible too, and beat me up for fun until my non-responsiveness made it too boring. I was just numb to it all. This went on for like, six years. At some point I guess the police found out about the child abuse and they shut the place down, and by some crazy miracle the same detective who worked on my parent’s case- the lady who brought me here- was there and found me and helped me out. She got me admitted to the hospital, where they helped me not only get to a better physical state, but they helped me cope with my PTSD. That’s where I met Matt, the nurse who you heard on the phone, who also doubled as my best friend for a long time. The detective, detective Johnson, also helped me apply to this school, which is why I’m here now.”

When Tyler finished his story, he looked up from the spot on the ground he had been staring at intently the whole time and glanced over to Josh, who was just staring at him, mouth wide open and loosely covered by his hand, brown eye full of sadness and empathy.

“Holy crap. Tyler.” Josh managed. “I... I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s my life, and uh, it still sucks sometimes but I’ve gotten better at coping, I guess?” Tyler explains. “And like I said, the medication helps, but mostly it’s the strategies the my therapist taught me that made the difference.”

“Still, though. I feel like I should apologize. Here I was, having a panic attack over something so minor while you have lived through literal hell.” Guilt washed over Tyler as he listened to Josh.

“Hey, Josh, stop that.” Tyler reaches out and lightly touches Josh shoulder, who looks up at him, a sad look in his eye. “In mental illness, there is no such thing as a ‘big’ problem or a ‘small’ problem. If it’s bothering you, that’s all that matters. I told you my story so that you know that I get it, okay? Do not blame yourself or anything. Anxiety is a bitch.”

“Yeah, I guess you're right.” Josh sighed and leaned against the wall, mirroring Tyler. “But still, dude. If you ever want to talk about anything, know you can trust me, man.”

“Thanks. Anyway, you never told me. What caused it?” Tyler asked, curious but also worried, wanting to see if he could help keep it from happening again.

“My parents called. They’re angry cause they heard I wasn’t pitcher. I wanted to try another post anyway, but they don’t care, they wouldn’t listen.” Josh explained.

“Well, screw them.” Tyler threw his hands in the air for dramatic effect.

“Haha, yeah.” Josh didn’t sound too convinced, but he was smiling a little bit which made Tyler feel a bit better. “I’m really tired, I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“Drink some water first, okay?” Tyler stood from the bed and grabbed an unopened plastic water bottle from his backpack, handing it to Josh. “And, uh, thank you. For being so understanding, of my history and stuff.”

“Of course, man. And you too, for not judging and stuff.” The two exchanged soft smiles before Josh  changed into his pajamas and went to bed, drifting off into a restful sleep. It was still early, so Tyler sat at his desk and opened his notebook, words suddenly flowing freely.

  
  



	7. GOOEY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He glanced around the room and when he noted that there was no one in the vicinity, he slowly and timidly pressed one of the keys.
> 
> And that’s when he fell in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate.  
> I'm Canadian so we sorta celebrate, basically use it as an excuse to eat good food haha.  
> Anyhow, enjoy this longer ish chapter. I didn't proofread it because it's late and I need to go to bed. I just really wanted to give you guys something ASAP.  
> OH go listen to the Glass Animals I LOVE THEM SO MUCH so this chapter is low key dedicated to them lmao.  
> ALSO I KNOW THAT AT THE BEGINNING IT LOOKS LIKE JOSH AND TYLER ARE GONNA GET TOGETHER OR SOMETHING BUT IN THIS THEY ARE ONLY FRIENDS. okay goodnight loves.

The next morning, Tyler was the first to wake up. It was still early, the only noise being the steady and rhythmic sound of Josh’s breathing in the bed next to him. His stomach was growling, and he remembered skipping dinner last night after Josh’s panic attack. Yesterday's events started coming back to him, and he groaned when he remembered telling Josh  _ everything. _ His roommate acted like it was totally cool, but what if it wasn’t? What is Josh told everyone, and the entire school found out about his past, and they thought he was even weirder than he already was? His breath quickened as he squeezed his eyes shut and curled up in the bed, scolding himself under his breath for having been so reckless. The voice in his head slowly began to take over his thoughts, drowning out reason and logic. Let’s say that the human mind is a rainbow, a delicate organization of hues and shades that come together to form a harmonious picture. If this were the case, the voice in Tyler’s head would be black. Powerful enough to cover up all of the beautiful colors and impenetrable if the good thoughts tried to poke back up through the surface. His heart started to pound faster and faster, breath quickening as he squeezed his eyes tighter and cursed at himself for being so  _ different _ and  _ naive. _

“Tyler, you okay?” Josh’s hoarse voice rang out in the silent room, interrupting his thoughts and piercing through the darkness like a beacon of light. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking away the tears, and sat up to see his roommate in his own bed, hair tousled from sleep and brown eyes filled with concern.

“I’m fine…” Tyler practically squeaked, wiping his tears with the back of his sleeves. His cheeks turned red in embarrassment at the sound he made, and he willed for himself to be swallowed up from the ground. The evil voice that lived in the back of his head yelled at him, telling him he was a  _ complete and utter failure  _ and a  _ waste of space _ . 

“No, you’re not.” Josh got out of his own bed and walked the short distance across the room to join Tyler, sitting down on the bed next to him. He then reached out an arm, pausing as though to ask for permission, and wrapping it around Tyler’s small shoulders when he nodded. At first, Tyler tensed to the touch, but after a few seconds, he realized how badly he was in need of a hug, and melted into it. He leaned his head on Josh’s shoulder and the silent tears trickled down his face as he let himself be comforted. Every single little movement of the body next to him was amplified: the way Josh’s chest rose and fell, the small circles his fingers traced into the skin of his arm, the small affectionate squeezes every time Tyler’s breath shuddered or a small sob was choked out. He felt everything.

Eventually he pulled away, far too soon in Tyler’s opinion. Josh cleared his throat and cracked his knuckles, looking down at his hands. Tyler frowned, wondering if he was uncomfortable or upset or something.

“We should, uh… We should go get breakfast. The cafeteria closes at ten for breakfast and we should get your meds, and stuff.” His voice was strained from sleep as Josh ran his fingers through his hair, trying to get it to look less dishevelled.

“Yeah, okay.” Tyler paused for a moment, watching as Josh continued to show the same anxious body language before adding, “Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” 

“You?” Josh’s eyes were wide as they shot up to look at Tyler straight in the eyes. His expression was something in between embarrassed, regretful, and apologetic. “No, not at all, sorry. I was just thinking about last night… I kind of totally embarrassed myself in front of you. You probably think I’m lame, or something?”

“You?” Tyler mimicked Josh’s tone, which made the latter chuckle with him. “Josh, I should be the one who’s embarrassed. I spilled my life story to you, any other person would have thought I was weird or made fun of me like the other kids in the orphanage.” Tyler paused, and smiled softly at his roommate. 

“You’re pretty cool, you know that?” Tyler added, reaching over and gently squeezing Josh’s leg right above the knee.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” Josh flashed him a short white smile before giving his shoulder a firm squeeze back. He then slid off the bed, and Tyler watched intently as he rummaged through the dresser, pulling out a pair of black jeans and a short sleeved white shirt. The short sleeves showed off his tattoo, which Tyler hadn’t seen a lot of considering they were roommates. It wasn’t that he was explicitly hiding it or covering it up, but the school uniform and the chilly air conditioned rooms made wearing long sleeves a lot more desirable. Eventually Tyler also got off the bed, grabbing a pair of jeans and his school hoodie, opting for something that covered his arms. Most of Tyler’s scars were gone by now, but after having an anxiety attack he always welcomed the way the thick and soft layer of clothing acted as some sort of shield between him and the outside world, protecting him from all the bad.

 

When they settled in the cafeteria, Tyler all but devoured the plate of bacon and eggs in front of him. It was just him and Josh, the rest of the group probably still asleep considering it was the first weekend of the school year. The woman gave him his medication and the two ate in silence.

“Tyler!” The two boys looked up rom their plates to see Jenna sliding into the seat across from them at the table. Josh elbowed Tyler in the side, who groaned and gave him a confused look.

“Oh, hello, Jenna. Nice to see you too.” Josh teased and Jenna rolled her eyes. Tyler had to admit she was beautiful with her bright blue eyes and blond hair. He felt his cheeks turn a shade of pink when he looked at her face for too long so he quickly averted his eyes, gazing at his nearly empty plate of food instead.

“You guys are up early for a Saturday.” The girl commented as she took a bite of her croissant.

“Could say the same for you.” Josh replied, taking a sip of his orange juice. 

“I gotta come down for my meds.” Tyler added, immediately regretting speaking when the two moved their eyes to him, Josh hiding a look of shock and Jenna’s blank expression unreadable. “I need to take them at the same time everyday or else they don’t work as well.”

Tyler waited in agony during the few seconds (that felt like hours) that it took for one of them to respond. Eventually Jenna spoke up, her blank expression turning into a soft smile.

“Oh, that make sense.” She hummed and Tyler sighed in relief. Josh and Jenna talked about other classmates that Tyler didn’t know, so he just listened to their conversation, nodding occasionally to show he was listening. But he wasn’t. He let his mind wander, thinking about how overall, he was liking the school so far. Sure, he still had to watch what he said and most kids ignored him, but he quickly learned that there were things far worse than being ignored, things like recieving a punch to the gut.

After they finished eating, the three decided to head over to one of the common areas. Because it was a boarding school and the administration had strict rules keeping boys and girls separated, if they wanted a place to hang out in groups, they would head to the common areas. These were located in several different buildings, including the first floors of many of the dorms or at the entrances of the gymnasium. Tyler noticed that many of the students were also heading to the parking lots to head off campus. Josh explained that they did not allow the students to leave during the school week, even if they had their own cars, unless they had explicit permission from a parent or administration. Josh texted Brendon and the five of them (Josh, Tyler, Jenna, Brendon and his girlfriend Sarah) had planned to meet in one of the common areas and then head to a pizza place for lunch. 

The common room was a big space, about the size of two classrooms, filled with couches and armchairs that could easily be rearranged around the room. Two of the walls had televisions with DVD players or cable for the students to use. The room was fairly empty, they usually were on a weekend, and so the group claimed one side of the room for themselves. Josh and Tyler settled on one of the long couches while Brendon and Sarah cuddled up on one the roomy armchairs (though intended for one person, the two fit on it together just fine). Jenna squeezed onto the couch, next to Tyler, who in that moment was hyper aware of her presence. They weren’t touching, in fact they weren’t even close to making any sort of contact, but in that moment Tyler realized he had never been so close to a girl  _ period.  _ He watched her carefully, hopefully not too creepily, noticing everything from the way her eyes seemed to sparkle when she smiled to the way her ears turned red when she laughed. He felt his own face turn pink everytime she would look, or even smile, in his direction.

Eventually they all got up and left the room, heading towards the parking lot to Josh’s car. They all fit perfectly, and Tyler was thankful that he got to sit in the passenger seat instead of in the back with the girls. Brendon seemed to enjoy it though, one arm wrapped protectively around his girlfriend, who was in the middle in between him and Jenna. Josh was driving, obviously, but let Tyler control the music.

At first, he was excited about this. He was a big fan of music, and found all the different sounds fascinating after not having listened to any for a big portion of his life, but there was a difference between listening to music alone in your room than playing it in front of your potential friends. It was a difficult decision, deciding what to play, but he settled on an old song by the Clash after being told by Matt that it was a ‘classic’ for all age groups. Clearly he was right too, because as soon as the electric bass started playing everyone cheered in excitement. It made Tyler smile.

During the last few weeks of his stay in the hospital, when he was being prepared for the transition to the school, he was warned that wanting to conform and seeking approval was completely normal for people in general, but especially for teenagers. Getting approval from his peers, even if it was on something as simple as the songs he played, was comforting and made him feel like he was part of the group, even if it was momentary.

The next song that played, titled ‘Life Itself’ was different. It was by a band called the Glass Animals who created music that Apple Music had labeled as ‘Alternative’ but Matt had described it as Psychedelic Pop when he first shared them for Tyler. The nurse sent him their album because it was titled ‘How To Be a Human Being’ which reminded him of how Tyler used to say he was learning to live again. It was like some sort of twisted inside joke between the two.

When the intro to the song came on, everyone fell into a silence, clearly confused. It opened with an odd almost Japanese inspired series of notes, that then turned into an almost incoherent electro synthesizer melody with an African drum beat in the background.

“It gets good, I promise.” Tyler took note of their confusion, but he loved the song too much to skip it. After the lyrics started, the group began to enjoy the song. The chorus was really catchy and the beat was fun and upbeat. Tyler also liked the general message of the song, even though the lyrics were a little odd, because it basically said that you don’t need anyone’s approval and that you can just do you.

Ironic, considering only moments earlier Tyler played a song solely to gain the approval of the other’s in the car.

“That was really good. Fuckin’ weird, but good.” Brendon chuckled before adding. “What was that?”

“Life Itself by the Glass Animals, my buddy Matt introduced me to their stuff.” Tyler explained from the front of the car. “I’ll play another one of their songs. This one’s called Pork Soda.”

“Don’t think I’ve heard of them. I like it, though.” Brendon commented as he tapped out the rhythm of the by slapping his hands against his thighs.

“All their songs are super weird and experimental. One is called Premade Sandwiches and is just a bunch of words spread up and distorted. It’s not even rap, just straight up distorted speech for thirty five seconds.” Tyler continued, surprised at how easy it was for him to talk about music. If the topic had been anything else, he would have been thinking twice about everything he said and probably hating the fact that it was silent in the car aside from the song playing through the speakers and his voice.

“That’s really cool of them, actually. I hate all the generic shit they play on the radio. I like stuff that’s really  _ different _ , you know?” Brendon replied, and Tyler hummed in agreement as the song reached the chorus.

When they arrived to downtown, it was only eleven so they had time to kill until the pizza parlor opened at noon. They parked in one of the few available spots and started walking down the first street they came across, peering through the shop windows for anything interesting.

Eventually they came across a music store, which caught Tyler’s eye. He didn’t know how to play an instrument, let alone sing, but he had this unrelenting fascination with music. Before he could say anything, Josh and Brendon opened the door and went inside, beelining for the rows and rows of CDs on the shelves. Tyler passed them, heading straight for the back, which stored all of the instruments. He walked aimlessly through the aisles as though waiting for one of the instruments to call his name, to  _ chose _ him. The guitars looked daunting, the drums looked bold, and the trumpets looked a little too  _ middle school _ (no offense to the trumper, though). Then there was one that  _ did _ catch his eye. It was the piano. It was perfect. It had a strong sound and a soft melodic capability. It was everything he wanted and more. He sat down at the bench and ran his fingers lightly over the black and white keys without pressing down. The gentle clacking of his fingernails against the surface taunted him, begging him to press down a little harder and make a sound. He glanced around the room and when he noted that there was no one in the vicinity, he slowly and timidly pressed one of the keys.

And that’s when he fell in love.

He played a few more notes, nothing that even remotely resembled a tune, but nonetheless his smile didn’t fade. In that moment he knew he  _ had _ to learn how to play this instrument. It wasn’t just that he wanted to, it was that he had to. The grand piano was far too expensive, and even if he could afford it, where would he keep it? He stood up from the bench and wandered over to the selection of electric keyboards. They were priced between thirty to four hundred dollars, so he opened his wallet to see how much cash he had on him, thanking himself silently for having brought his wallet with him, even though he always seemed to have it on him because he kept his ID with him whenever on campus. He had about one hundred dollars, so he looked for one of the mid range keyboards. There was one going for seventy dollars that looked to be good quality and not too big, so it would easily fit in the dorm room. He played a couple notes on the one they had out, and although it sounded nowhere near as good as the grand piano, it would do, so he picked up a box and brought it to the cashier.

“Found everything you needed today?” The young man behind the counter gave him a forced smile, clearly exhausted of asking the same question and receiving the same answer everyday.

“Yes, thank you.” Tyler mumbled, still in a slight daze over his sort of realization. He payed for the instrument and then walked over to the other two boys, who were still milling about in the CD section, unable to contain the big grin plastered over his face. He stood in front of Josh who was intently reading the back of a Death Cab for Cutie CD and cleared his throat to get his attention. When his roommate looked up, his face quickly adopted a look of confusion and then something akin to excitement when he looked between the box to Tyler’s face.

“Did you just buy a keyboard?” Josh exclaimed. “I didn’t know you played!”

“I don’t!” Tyler chuckled. “I’m gonna learn, though.”

“Well, you better learn fast. I don’t want mediocre music in  _ my _ dorm room.” There was no bite in the words, Josh’s tone was teasing with an undertone of excitement.

Josh and Brendon bought their CDs and then the group walked back to the car, where they left Tyler’s new keyboard before heading up to the restaurant. The entire meal and during the drive home, all Tyler could think about was going back to the dorm and learning how to create pretty sounds and melodies from the notes. He felt kind of bad, for zoning out constantly and not really paying attention to his classmates, but he couldn’t help himself. He was completely and utterly infatuated with the music. Josh even made a point of teasing him when they were alone later that night, commenting on how it seemed he had a bigger crush on the piano than he had on Jenna. Tyler argued that he didn’t have a crush on Jenna, but Josh just chuckled and called him ‘too innocent for his own good’. He spent the entire afternoon after they got back and Josh left for baseball practice at the piano, trying to make sense of it. He opted against buying a book or using the internet to learn how to play, and instead decided to figure it out himself. So with the keyboard on his desk and his notebook open next to it, he sat and tried to memorize the sound and location of each note, meanwhile only falling more in love with the instrument in front of him. 

  
  



	8. BETTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler was like a ghost, moving silently and undetected from class to class, from building to building, not paying much attention to the other students and not wanting theirs. No one knew him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all this is TERRIBLE and I'm sorry but I just needed a transition chapter for the fun stuff  
> Second of all I am OBSESSED with Max Frost and my friend and I are going to try to get tickets for his tour pray for us for when we ask our parents lmao. I literally had to BEG for Panic tickets oof.

A few weeks passed without much of anything notable happening. Tyler was still mostly shy and reserved around the others, putting most of his energy into his schoolwork, and of course, the piano. At this point, he had mastered the basic notes and started to try to learn a few songs. He would simply listen and then try to mimic them- which proved to be more challenging than it sounds. His stubbornness, however, also made him very persistent, so eventually he managed to master one song: Hey Jude by the Beatles. It was a classic, but most importantly he liked the message and it was easy to play. 

It was the last day of school before they got out for Thanksgiving. Tyler had called Matt, who, as much as he wanted to, sadly couldn’t take him in for the week because he was still technically a part of his team at the hospital. Although the facility had offered him a room to stay in for the three week long Christmas holidays, they couldn’t quite justify making room for him for the week of Thanksgiving, especially considering that the school was still going to be open and he could just stay there. The whole week leading up to the break, however, was probably the hardest of them all. This was because all the other students were talking about going back home and seeing their families. He had gotten used to it, hearing the others talk about their parents and siblings. What really got to Tyler, however, was how some of the students were  _ complaining _ about having to see their parents. It made him angry beyond belief, and he had to concentrate and put his attention on something, anything, else to keep himself from yelling at them about how lucky they are to even have parents. It was frustrating, but he was coping.

Nevertheless, as he sat at the usual table during lunch, he listened to the others talk about their plans for the holiday. Brendon ended up starting a debate about which was better: turkey or ham, and it made Tyler realize that he couldn’t even remember what Thanksgiving food was or tasted like because he hadn’t celebrated it since… since his parents were around.

“Tyler, what are your plans?” Some kid that Tyler couldn’t quite remember the name of asked him from across the table.

“Oh, I’m just staying here.” He smiled shyly, trying to make it sound as though it was completely normal and fine, even though it wasn’t.

“Why’s that? Your parents out of town or something?” The student asked innocently. Josh eyed him, clearly uncomfortable. His roommate was the only person he had told about his family, and he was hoping to keep it that way.

“Something like that.” Luckily the conversation ended there as the bell rang, signifying the end of lunch. Tyler and Josh left the cafeteria together, both having classes in the same building next period. As soon as they got outside, Josh turned to him, still looking worried.

“Are you really staying here for break?” He asked.

“Yeah. The hospital can’t take me and I don’t exactly have family so…” Tyler mumbled, eyes on the ground as they walked. It had gotten chilly in November in Ohio so even with his warm coat and knit scarf, the cold wind still bit his skin.

“But you can’t just stay  _ here. _ ” Josh argued. “You should come stay with me, at least.”

“I couldn’t possibly. It’s a holiday. It’s about family.” Tyler felt his skin turning red, and it wasn’t just from the cold. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“My house is plenty big and we aren’t having any family over or anything so it should be fine.” Josh insisted. “I’ll call home tonight to confirm with my parents but I’m sure they won’t care.”

“Okay, but if they say no it’s really not that big of a deal, I promise.” Tyler didn’t want to be a burden. It was always one of his biggest fears- after the loss of his family he tended to over-rely on those who showed any sign of kindness to him, and it made him afraid that they would get weirded out and leave him.

The two boys said they’re goodbyes and went to their respective classrooms.

 

When they met up again in the dorm room after school, Josh called up his parents and got the ‘ok’ to have Tyler over as well. It made him feel a little less guilty when he saw the way Josh’s face lit up when his parents said yes, but his mind always got the best of him and was trying to convince him that Josh was faking it- and that he was only doing it because he felt bad for Tyler.

As soon as he hung up on his family, his phone started ringing, Brendon’s contact lighting up the screen. Josh picked it up, confused expression on his face.

“Hello?” He spoke into the phone.

“Josh! Where the hell are you?” Brendon was speaking so loud that even Tyler heard it from all the way across the room. A look of realization painted Josh’s face and Tyler raised an eyebrow at him.

“Oh shit. We’ll be right there.” Josh hung up and started to pull on his coat and gloves. “It’s open mic night. Let’s go.”

“It’s what night?” Tyler was still confused but pulled on his jacket and scarf anyway, following a very hurried Josh out the door.

“Open mic night. It’s a student run thing. We all gather in the cafeteria and some choose to play music or sing. Usually it’s a bunch of high seniors doing parodies of the latest hits or the band kids playing boring classical music but there’s always at least one good singer in there. It’s always a ton of fun.” Josh sounded excited just talking about it, and the feeling was contagious.

As soon as they were about to pull open the doors to the cafeteria. Josh stopped dead in his tracks and turned to Tyler, a mischievous grin growing on his face.

“You should play!” Josh exclaims, bouncing on his feet excitedly.

“No way.” Tyler shook his head, laughing as though it was the funniest joke he’s ever heard.

“Oh come on! You’re really good, you have Hey Jude down. You could totally do it. I mean, regardless, you’d be better than most of the people who sign up.” Josh opened the doors and the gust of warm air hit them along with all the noise.

There was a kid already up on the makeshift stage made by some tables pushed together playing an electric guitar very dramatically. The amplifier was dangerously close to the edge, and Tyler prayed that it wouldn’t fall. Everyone was cheering as the boy bounced around on stage, making the tables below him wince and creak from the pain. Tyler hoped  _ he _ wouldn’t fall.

“Okay. Maybe. We’ll see.” Tyler knew that it was pointless arguing with Josh, who seemed to be momentarily satisfied with his answer, so he followed him through to the middle of the room, where all their friends were already sitting.

“Oh hey guys.” Jenna smiles at them warmly.

Tyler feels kind of bad for her because, according to Josh, she had been sending strong ‘signals’ (whatever that meant) and he hadn’t been really reciprocating. He was being nice and polite, of course, but he just didn’t feel comfortable going any further than just friends right now. Hell, even forming friendships with the other guys was still proving to be challenging enough for him right now. So when he saw her he just smiled warmly and responded to her texts. There was one time a couple of weeks ago where he may or may not have rejected her the one time she asked if he wanted to get dinner with her- off campus. Tyler may be socially inept, but anyone with half a brain would know that that was a proposal for a date, and he just wasn’t ready. Just as Matt and the others at the hospital had reminded him about a million times:  _ there's a difference between pushing yourself to the edge and pushing yourself off the cliff. Make sure you always put up a safety barrier for yourself, no one will do it for you.  _ Growing up an orphan, they wanted to give him the tools to look after himself, and part of that included knowing when to shelter yourself and knowing when to put yourself out there. In this case, he decided it was better to keep clear of the edge, in case he were to fall hard.

Apparently though, Josh was trying to convince him that this ‘open mic night’ was the kind of situation where he should push himself all the way to the edge. He was silently nagging him the entire time while various students got up on the rickety stage and sang their hearts out or showed off their musical talent. At some point, they made an announcement that they were running low on people to perform, and Josh only took this as fuel to the fire.

“Come on, your going up.” He grabbed Tyler by the shoulders and physically pushed him up to the stage, where a couple of guys, probably seniors, stood with microphones. 

“Josh, I don’t know about this.” Tyler’s whining was not very intimidating as he was dragged to the base of the stage, where he noticed for the first time the massive collection of instruments behind the stage.

“This is Tyler Joseph, piano and vocals.” Josh ignored Tyler and spoke to one of the guys, who wrote something down on a clipboard.

“Awesome! Your up next.” The guy gave them a big enthusiastic grin and vaguely gestured to the ‘backstage’. “There’s probably a keyboard in there somewhere.”

Tyler shot Josh the meanest glare he could muster but his roommate just laughed as him as they walked through the piles of discarded instruments. They eventually came across a simple enough electronic keyboard. There was no stand and no bench, but Tyler figured it would probably be better for him to be seated directly on the tables anyway.

The sound of applause signified the end of the last performance, and before he knew it, one of the seniors was introducing him to the crowd.

“Now we have… Tyler Joseph.” The crowd didn’t cheer, but he didn’t blame them. Tyler was like a ghost, moving silently and undetected from class to class, from building to building, not paying much attention to the other students and not wanting theirs. No one knew him.

He grabbed the small keyboard and was handed one of the two microphones as he walked up the step stool that led to the stage. He forced himself to keep his eyes down instead of looking at all the faces facing back at him. He sat on the edge of the makeshift stage, legs dangling off and keyboard resting on his thighs.

His fingers found their way to the keyboard, which one of the guys helped him plug into the old amplifier. He cleared his throat and the room fell deadly silent.

“So, uh. I’m Tyler. If you know this song feel free to sing along or something.” He winced at how small and pathetic his voice sounded in the microphone as it rang out in the crowded yet quiet room.

And then he started to play.

There was no piano intro, it went straight to lyrics. He almost froze, not trusting his voice, but he tried to focus on how much he’d practiced instead of how it was a performance. As soon as he made it past the first line, it was like second nature. His practiced fingers found the chords and played them expertly, and his voice slowly started to gain confidence. Out of the corner of his eye he caught Josh taking a video and the rising feeling of panic almost came back to him but he shook it off, focussing on the song instead. He was pleased and couldn’t stop himself from grinning like an idiot when the audience joined him at the end. The song seemed to go on forever, so he cut it off a little sooner than the Beatles’s version, mostly because he didn’t trust his anxiety to stay under control for more than he had to put himself through. So he tapered away, and ended the song, and to his astonishment the crowd started to cheer for him.

All he could think of when he got up on shaky legs and walked across the stage, was how scary that was, how it made his heart beat out of his chest, but how badly he wanted to do it again.

  
  



	9. PANIC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think Tyler wants him there.” Tyler confirmed with a vigorous nod of his head, eliciting soft chuckles from the others in the room. Matt looked Josh in the eye and gave him a soft smile. “Tyler is lucky to have a friend like you.”
> 
> 'Yeah I am.' Tyler agreed wordlessly as Josh looked down at him with a half smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not even gonna lie I didn't proofread so I'm sorry  
> first of all, trigger warning for panic attacks  
> second of all, I try my best to explain scientifically what happened but some of the information might be wrong or heavily over simplified so I apologize in advanced. All my knowledge is from AP psych or the internet so it's not really complete.

On Saturday morning the two boys were woken by their alarms. Although it was a weekend, they had to finish packing their bags and then drive the two hours to the city, where they would be staying with Josh’s family for the week. Needless to say, Tyler was nervous. He hadn’t been to a friend’s house in years. Everything was a potential trigger for his anxiety: meeting Josh’s parents, sleeping in an unfamiliar room, eating new foods. Josh mentioned having siblings. Would they think he was weird? Tyler tried not to overthink it  _ too _ much, but the intrusive thoughts milled about in his head, consistent and unrelenting.

The two boys headed to breakfast, and when the woman came up to him with his meds he asked if they could pack up his doses for the week. After his phone call with Matt the night before, the phone was passed so he good talk to his psychiatrist. He sent an email to the principle, giving them his approval. They also talked about potentially meeting while Tyler was in town, just to make sure all his medication was still at appropriate levels.

The drive to Josh’s house was a long one, but it went by fairly quickly as they blasted old classic rock songs on the stereo and sang along at the top of their lungs. Everytime Tyler did something like that, he relished in the feeling of being  _ normal _ . Everytime he experienced something like his junk food movie nights with Josh or random text conversations with Jenna, he realized just how much he had missed in all those years. Part of him wanted to make up for last time, but it would happen that sometimes he would try to put himself out there and become more friendly towards the other students, but this inexplicable rising sense of panic would fill his chest and consume his every thought, leaving his mind blank and silencing his words.

So instead he listened.

He learned a lot about everyone. Brendon, aside from baseball, played the guitar- which was why he and Josh were closer than the other. He and his girlfriend Sarah had been together since the beginning of high school, and had stayed strong every since. Sarah herself was a nice girl with big brown eyes who was always kind and smiley towards him. She was also really good friends with Jenna.

Jenna made him nervous. He had no reason to be, because she was always really kind, but after a while he started to think that maybe he was nervous around her _ because _ she was so friendly. Part of him wanted to pursue the relationship, get to know her better, but a bigger, stronger part of him was afraid. Afraid of what exactly? Who knows. Maybe rejection, or of the expectations. So instead, he just kept it at friends. Which for now, he was fine with.

Rather quickly, he and Josh had become really close. Tyler was surprised by how easy it was for them to have a conversation and how natural it felt to be around him. If there was anything he was thankful for this Thanksgiving, it was his roommate. Josh was incredibly understanding and respectful when it came to his past, but at the same time didn’t treat him as though he was made of glass.

When they made it to Josh’s, the sight was intimidating. A gigantic house sat in the middle of an even bigger lot. Tyler could’ve sworn that the driveway itself was at least half a mile long. They parked the car in the garage, and before they got out Josh turned to him.

“My parents, you saw them, are super posh. Let me do most of the talking, and make sure you always say please and thank you because they are crazy big on manners.” 

“Sounds good.”

They got out of the car and grabbed their bags, Josh leading them across the comically large garage through a doorway and into the house. They stepped into a mudroom, where they took off their shoes and opened another door that led into the main part of the house. The structure was gigantic. A cold tile floor and vaulted ceilings that gave it a vibe more like that of a prestigious office building than a family home.

“Joshua.” A man in a suit appeared down the hall and walked towards them. “Will you introduce me to your friend or just stand there like an idiot?”

“Oh, uh, sorry sir.” Josh stammered. Tyler noticed that the other boy’s eyes were glued to the floor and that his pale skin was turning pinkish. “This is my roommate, Tyler. Tyler Joseph.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Joseph.” Josh’s father reached an arm out and Tyler tentatively took his hand, receiving a firm handshake. “I have a meeting to get to. And Joshua? Don’t stare at the floor when you talk.”

The two boys watched as the man in the suit disappeared through a doorway. As soon as he was gone, Josh let out an audible sigh of relief and started walking towards a staircase on the far side of the hallway, Tyler following close behind.

“That was my  _ lovely  _ father.” Josh spat in a low voice, not wanting to be heard. Tyler chuckled humorlessly as they made their way to the second story of the mansion. Usually he was bothered when the other students complained about their families, but in this case, he felt it was justified.

“This your room?” Tyler couldn’t hold back the gasp as he walked into the bedroom. It was at least three times the size of their dorm, with a dark hardwood floor, white walls, and high vaulted ceilings. The decoration was minimal, only framed awards and certificates and a shelf holding a collection of baseball trophies.

“Yeah, it’s a little bit over the top.” Josh huffed as he set his bags down by the closet, which practically took up a whole wall on it’s own. Tyler didn’t respond, instead he wandered over to the bed, where a collection of framed photos on the bed side table caught his attention. One of the photos was a picture of him mid swing at a baseball game, another was a goofy selfie of him and Brendon wearing suits and ties, and one of them was a picture of him, in an empty room, behind a drum kit. He picked up the frame and imagined the picture closely. He heard footsteps and glanced behind him briefly to see Josh joining him.

“Is this you?” He asked, handing Josh the picture.

“Yeah. I worked at the guitar center over the summer and the owner let me use one of the demo drum kits to learn.” Josh explained. 

“I didn’t know you played.” Tyler wasn’t surprised though, having noticed the other boy tapping beats on the steering wheel when they drove anywhere and hearing him talk passionately about music whenever the topic came up.

“I don’t, not really. I just used it to get some of the anger out.” He chuckled, putting the picture down and walking over to the closet. “We should probably dress up a little. Lunch is in an hour and sadly T-shirts and jeans don’t quite cut it for the Duns.”

They both got changed: Josh was wearing a heavy black wool knit sweater and black jeans, not quite skinny but not quite straight cut either. He also slipped on a pair of black vans, explaining to Tyler that they could wear shoes indoors as long as they were clean. Tyler didn’t have clothes appropriate for the occasion so he borrowed a sweater from Josh, his bright red, and paired it with a pair of dark blue jeans he brought. As for shoes, he also had to borrow a pair from Josh as he didn’t have anything other than his running shoes.

Lunch was extremely awkward, to say the least. Josh’s parents barely registered their presence and were deep in conversation the entire time, gossiping about a family that lived down the street because apparently their son had recently come out as gay. The parents were distraught, and had kicked him out, giving him enough money to live on his own until he was eighteen. Tyler was horrified by the story, in disbelief that people could toss aside their own child, simple for loving somebody of the same gender. Of course, he didn’t say anything, but the tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

After lunch they simply unpacked and got themselves organized. Although there were plenty of guest rooms, he and Josh decided to share his room, mostly due to the fact that Tyler was pretty sure he would get lost in the maze that was the house. He and Josh luckily did not have to endure another meal with the parents because they had gone out for dinner, so instead they convinced the chef, who was a really sweet young woman named Stacy, to make them a pizza and even homemade potato chips, because apparently Josh’s parents did not allow any processed foods whatsoever in the household.

They ate in Josh’s room, watching episodes of The Office on the television that was hidden in an armoire across from the bed. The bed was a huge California king so the two had just planned to share, not wanting to go through the trouble of finding an extra mattress.

Eventually it got late and the two boys decided to go to bed. They took turns showering and then changed into pajamas, slipping under the covers and turning off the lights.

Tyler knew Josh had fallen asleep when the other boy’s breathing normalized, falling into a slow and steady rhythm of inhales and exhales. The noise was comforting, and the bedspread kept him warm, but it wasn’t enough to lull Tyler into sleep. He tossed and turned, trying to find a more comfortable position, but without success. 

An indeterminable amount of time passed before he eventually sank into a stage between that of sleep and wake- the first stage of non-REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. This is the stage of sleep in which one might feel hallucinations called hypnagogic sensations, such as that sensation of falling and is jerked awake. However, that’s not all that happens to Tyler.

The thing with PTSD is that it haunts not only his waking hours, but it sits, waiting, in the back of his mind- even when in an altered stage of consciousness. This is why it is recommended that people who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder don’t drink or take take drugs that have not been carefully prescribed just for them as it might worsen hallucinations or impair the person’s ability to use logic and reasoning to avoid an episode. This isn’t to say that one can out-think their mental illness, but rather than one can give themselves the best fighting chance against it.

However, the high from drugs and alcohol are not the only altered stage of consciousness. There are many, including sleep. To put it simply, when Tyler fell asleep, the strongest thought in his mind would take over and play out in his dreams. This why one is more likely to have a dream if they ended the day content. For the same reason, when his PTSD was given the ability to take control of all his thoughts, often it would lead to nightmares, or on worse nights, night terrors.

Tyler’s PTSD was largely centered around the fact that his parents were shot and killed while he was upstairs, in the same house, asleep in his bed. This is why falling asleep has been extremely difficult for him ever since that night. Essentially, he had an amplified fear of the dark.

Tonight, the trouble was that he did have a hypnic jerk (the falling sensation). Most people just wake up, shake it off, and then fall back asleep. Tyler, with his severe anxiety, panicked. It felt to him like he was dying. His breath stopped and the falling, falling, falling, falling felt like it was never going to end. He tried to scream but his voice got caught in his throat, and the inability to speak only made the fear greater. He kept his mouth open, trying to force the sound to come out, but instead was met with touch. Something, someone, was wrapping around him and squeezing tight. Tyler thrashed, trying to break free and kept trying to scream. His throat felt raw but he fought, pulling and kicking. His breaths were rapid and his chest was pounding, trying to break free from his rib cage. He couldn’t hear anything, it felt like he was drowning. Maybe he was.

This continued for what felt like hours until he did hear a sound. It was barely identifiable, but it was enough to capture his attention. He tried to place the origin of the noise, fighting against the buzzing of the thoughts that swarmed his brain. It was Josh. The voice itself was familiar, but he didn’t recognize the tone. It was fear. 

“He’s breathing really fast, thrashing, I don’t know what to do.” Josh’s voice was desperate, and although he could hear the words he couldn’t quite pinpoint their meaning. He grasped onto the comfort of having a friend near him, even though his skin screamed and he truly felt as though he was on death’s door. “What do I do? Please help me.”

Tyler could hear the fear and shakiness in his friends voice and tried to track it as it grew quieter and louder, which helped him identify movement. Even though he still couldn’t see anything, and the thoughts were still buzzing, he began to map out his location. Suddenly, there was an abrupt rasping sound, like that of a drawer being opened. It was almost enough to send him back into a full blown panic, but the sound of a voice immediately after grounded him just in time.

“Okay, I’ve got it. What do I do?” Josh’s voice was calmer now, but still sounded strangled by sobs. Tyler tracked the barely audible sound of footsteps as they moved about that room. Then the voice was next to him.

“Okay, Tyler.” The sound of the familiar voice saying his name made him hiccup, trying to somehow show his friend he was listening, that he could hear him. “I’m going to put this pill in your mouth and you’re going to swallow it, okay?”

Although he wanted to understand what Josh was saying, he couldn’t. He could hear the words, but his brain wasn’t processing it. This is something that actually occurs a lot, not only in panic or anxiety attacks but also with people who are sleep deprived or in other states of consciousness as induced by drugs or other factors.

He felt Josh’s soft hand on his face, steadying him as the other boy tried to open his mouth. Tyler tried to twist and turn his head to fight the contact, but Josh’s shaky hands help him firm against the pillow. He felt the small round pill being placed in the back of his mouth and immediately felt the urge to gag and throw it up, but a hand on his mouth prevented him from doing so. Soon, his mouth filled with saliva, making the pill slip fairly smoothly down his throat, which was still burning and dry. As he swallowed, Josh tentatively removed his hands from Tyler’s face, letting out a sob in the process.

“Okay, I did it. What now?” He heard Josh’s shaky voice and grasped onto it. “Please hurry.”

He then heard a beep and the sound of an object being placed on a hard surface, followed by a groan from the bed and he felt the dip as something came onto the mattress next to him. Josh’s familiar smell was close now, and it filled Tyler’s nose and provided some comfort.

Wait.

Smell.

He smelled something.

He took a deep breath (well, it was still short and frail, but in comparison to the rapid fire series of inhales and exhales he was doing earlier it felt heavenly) and relished in the feeling of his lungs being filled. His heart still felt like a brick in his chest, but he could breath- and it was a glorious feeling.

“That’s it, Ty. Just like that.” Josh’s voice was still trembling, but significantly more relaxed than it was moments earlier. He tried to feed off his energy, slowly but surely slowing his heart rate.

His vision also started coming back to him, and he blinked as his eyes adjusted to the soft light coming from the lamp on the table next to him. Now having sight, smell, and hearing, he could start to figure out where he was and what had happened. He was on the bed in Josh’s room. The darkness outside the window that he could just barely see out of the corner of his eye told him it was still late at night. The sheets were tangled around his legs and everything hurt. He blinked away tears and slowly turned his head to see his friend, who was lying next to him. Josh’s eyes lit up when they made eye contact, and Tyler opened his mouth to try to say something, but only a choke came out and his throat burned again. His breathing quickened as he slowly started to panic, but he was interrupted by a hand on his bicep. Initially, he froze to the touch, but when the owner of the hand started to speak he melted into it, letting it ground him.

“Hey, hey, hey. You’re okay. I promise. You are just fine.” Josh soothed, gently rubbing his hand up and down Tyler’s arm. He heard shuffling and before he knew it, two strong arms were being wrapped around his small frail body and pulling him up against Josh’s warm body. He let himself by caressed, a hand rubbing his chest which loosened some of the tightness in his chest and the other carding through his short hair, massaging his scalp and seemingly quieting the thoughts that were still buzzing around in the background.

“Mr. Dun?” The unfamiliar voice of a woman came from across the room, but Tyler didn’t dare open his eyes. “There’s a doctor saying they’re here to see you.”

“Yes. Thank you. Please send them in.” Josh’s voice came from above him and he relished in the feeling of the vibrations of the chest his head was leaning back against as he spoke. He heard new footsteps making their way across the room and slowly opened his eyes to see Dr. Ken, his psychiatrist from the hospital, followed by Matt appeared at the bedside.

“Thank you for coming.” Josh spoke softly, the exhaustion evident in his voice.

“Of course, thank you for calling us.” His doctor’s voice comforted him some, but also brought along guilt and dread. He wished he didn’t need a doctor. “So you gave him one dose of PRN?”

“If you mean the round white pills in the little packet, then yeah.” Josh replied, continuing to gently rub various part of Tyler’s sore, exhausted body.

“Good, good.” He watched as his doctor scribbled some information on his small notepad before taking out a stethoscope. “Okay, Tyler. I’m going to lift your shirt and listen to your breathing, okay?”

Tyler nodded, not trusting his ability to speak. The metal felt cold against his chest, making him inhale sharply and squeeze his eyes shut. Josh whispered at him reassuringly and he focused on that instead of everything that was wrong. The burning in his throat, the pain in his limbs.

“Everything sounds fine. Just keep trying to take deep breaths for us, okay?” His doctor pulled away and put the instrument away.

Tyler nodded and he saw his doctor furrow a brow in concern.

“Tyler, can you speak?” His doctor poked gently.

He shook his head and grabbed at his neck.

“He was screaming a lot. I think it really hurt his throat.” Josh answered for him. It hit Tyler. In the midst of his panic he was so deafened to everything he didn’t hear himself screaming.

“Okay. Make sure he drinks some tea or takes a cough drop once he can.” The doctor scribbled down more notes. “Actually, I think it might be good if he comes back to the hospital with us. I’d like to do a check in anyway, might as well do it now.”

“Okay, but I’m going with you.” Josh sounded determined.

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. You look exhausted. You’ll be more help to him if you get some rest.” Dr. Ken argued, and Tyler stirred in Josh’s arms, wishing he could open his mouth to tell them he wanted Josh to be there with him.

“I’m going.” Josh stated firmly, and Tyler nodded, trying to show that he agreed. Dr. Ken was about to open his mouth to say something but Matt, who had been silent the whole time until now, spoke first.

“I think Tyler wants him there.” Tyler confirmed with a vigorous nod of his head, eliciting soft chuckles from the others in the room. Matt looked Josh in the eye and gave him a soft smile.  “Tyler is lucky to have a friend like you.”

_ Yeah I am _ . Tyler agreed wordlessly as Josh looked down at him with a half smile.


	10. THANKS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’d rather not talk about that.”
> 
> “What do you want to talk about?”
> 
> “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but needed  
> I based the conversation Josh has with Dr. Ken on a conversation I had with a friend a while ago. She tries really hard to help me but I get really defensive when confronted about my anxiety/depression/insomnia so I tend to pull a Josh and deny it. Sorry if I don't accurately convey the mood I was going for.  
> My friend and I officially bought our Max Frost tickets for March today!! We got VIP. I'm so frickin excited!!!!!!!! And two weeks before that I'm going to Panic. Wild.  
> Keep in mind I hadn't been to any concerts whatsoever until Bandito tour so this is like wild to me that all of the sudden its three in the span of less than six months

Matt slipped one arm under Tyler’s knees and the other supported his upper body as the strong nurse picked him up to bring him to the car. The house was eerily silent and empty as they walked through the halls and out the doors into the driveway, where there was a single car. The house was so large that it seemed as though the parents weren’t even here, not needing to tend to anything with all the staff roaming around. Josh opened the passenger door and got in, and Tyler was gently placed next to him. He was heavily sedated from the drug so he laid down across the seats, head in Josh’s lap and legs bent slightly as to fit. The two adults sat up front, and thus they began the drive to the hospital. The entire time, Josh continued to comfort Tyler, who still had to count his breaths to make sure they were slow enough. The pill kicked in almost immediately, but the effects were wearing off and he had to manually think about staying calm.

Once they arrived to the hospital, Matt offered to pick him up again and carry him but instead he opted for walking himself. On shaky legs he stepped out of the car and into the structure that was his home for six months. The all too familiar sterile smell filled his nose as they walked down one of the halls, his doctor leading the way and Josh following close behind. They brought him to one of the only rooms available and he settled on the bed in the corner of the room.

“So. Matt is going to stay here until the medication wears off and then I’ll come back to run some tests. Josh, can you come with me?” Josh looks over at Tyler, almost as though asking for him permission, so he nods and watches at his friend and psychiatrist leave the room.

Outside the room, Dr. Ken brings Josh into his office- a small room with white walls and dark wooden furnishings. They sit on either side of the desk, and Josh tries to read the doctor’s facial expression with no success.

“How are you feeling?” Josh wants to laugh at the stereotypical question but holds it back.

“I’m alright, a little spooked.” He answers honestly, not wanting to lie.

“How has it been, being Tyler’s roommate?” The doctor seemed genuinely curious, and it made Josh feel a little better that even though he doesn’t have his family anymore, Tyler still has people in his corner who look out for him.

“Oh, great, actually. Tyler’s really chill, and funny.” Josh is aware that that isn’t the information that the doctor wanted, but the small ghost of a smile that appeared on the older man’s face didn’t go unnoticed. “He had a nightmare, once, but other than that…”

“Tell me more about that.”

“Well, it was the first weekend, right before school started, and we went to sleep. But I guess he forgot to take his meds that morning, because no one brought them to him at breakfast? So he had a bad nightmare, woke me up, but we talked a bit. I don’t think he went back to sleep.”

“Has he told you everything to know about his past?”

“Well, I wouldn’t know if there’s anything he  _ hasn’t _ told me but I think so. I know about his parents and siblings and he’s told me a bit about the things he’s struggled with like the PTSD from the orphanage and stuff.”

“Hmm.” The doctor writes something down on his clipboard. “As for tonight, do you remember anything that might have triggered the episode?”

“It was his screaming that woke me up, so I don’t really know.” Josh shrugged, wishing he could be more helpful.

“Alright. Is there anything else you want to tell me, or ask me about?”

“No.” Josh answers immediately but then reconsiders. “Actually… I uh…”

“Go on, it’s alright.” The doctor puts down his clipboard and takes off his glasses, placing them gingerly on the surface of the desk.

“It’s hard to talk about, I’ve never said it out loud.” Josh chuckles nervously, wiping his sweaty palms on the flannel pajama pants he hadn’t had the chance to change out of. “One afternoon, something happened. To me. Tyler called it a panic attack, I think I just felt a little anxious. You know what? It’s stupid. Nevermind.”

“No, it’s not stupid Josh. Tell me more. What happened?”

“Well, I got a call from my parents and they were upset with me. And although it wasn’t that big of a deal, it felt like it was. My breathing got all fast and I started feeling anxious. I don’t really know how long it lasted, it was like time stopped.”

“Hmm.” The doctor furrowed his brow, eyes filled with concern. “That sounds like anxiety.”

“I don’t have anxiety.” Josh mutters.

“Why do you say that?”

“Anxiety isn’t real. It’s just people who need to get over themselves, everyone has issues.” Josh doesn’t recognize the voice he’s using but he doesn’t fight it, letting the words that have been so deeply engraved into his mind come out. Like a defense mechanism, protecting him from the brutality of the truth.

“Tyler has anxiety. Are you saying he just needs to get over himself?”

“That’s different.” Josh argues.

“And why’s that?”

“He went through something traumatic.” 

“How do you define trauma?”

“I don’t know.” Josh sighs, exasperated.

“Is emotional abuse traumatic?”

“I guess so.” Josh pauses, scoffing when the dots connect. “I haven't been emotionally abused, if that’s what your saying.”

“What’s your relationship like with your parents?” Josh shakes his head. Another stereotypical question.

“They’ve worked hard to provide for me.” He chooses his words carefully.

“Do you think them providing you with money and other material things and them providing you with warmth and nourishment is the same thing?”

“I don’t know. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me.”

“How do they feel about your tattoo?”

“They hate it.” Josh says with a grin.

“Is that why you got it?”

“No.”

“Then why did you get it?”

“I’d rather not talk about that.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know.”

“Look, Josh. I want to help you. You clearly don’t feel like talking right now, but I want you to know that I am here to help and that I am on your side.” Josh pauses, the sincerity in the doctor’s voice catching him off guard.

“Okay. Thank you.” Josh murmurs. The doctor only nods and stands up leading him out the door, down the hall, and back into Tyler’s room, where he and the nurse are both sitting on the bed, across from each other, deep in conversation. 

“Oh, hey Josh.” Tyler greets him with a small smile. Josh notices that Tyler’s eye look brighter and that his skin is less ghostly, meaning the medication was probably starting to wear off.

“Feeling better?” Josh asks, pulling up a chair next to the bed.

“Yeh, much better.” Tyler nods.

“Good, good.”

Josh watches as the doctor takes Tyler’s vitals and writes down the information that they had gathered from the episode- from how long it lasted, to the dose of the administered drug, to how long it took Tyler to come back to a normal state of consciousness. 

He takes the time to think about his conversation with the psychiatrist. He knew he probably had come off as rude but he was just afraid. When he got afraid, or anxious, he reacted by lashing out as though denying his problems would make them go away, as though they never existed.

By the time they were done and the two medical professionals left the two of them alone in the room, it was almost six in the morning and the sun was starting to rise- as evident by the sun that trickled through the blinds and into the small room, casting beautiful abstract shadows along the cold tile flooring. Josh was all of the sudden struck by an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. His eyelids felt heavy as he tried to find a more comfortable position in the hard, plastic chair.

“You okay?” Tyler askes from the bed.

“Just tired.” Josh mumbles as he rubs his face with the back of his hands.

“Come up here.” Tyler scoots over to leave half the bed open and pats the space with his hand, lifting the covers with his other as an invitation. Although normally Josh would have rejected the offer, his tiredness outweighed his anxiety about being a burden.

“Thanks.” He mumbles as he slips down into the bed. Tyler tentatively wraps one arm over his shoulders and gently pulls him closer. Josh revels in the soft warmth and tenderness of the touch, his skin forming goosebumps as Tyler gently drags his nails across the colorful skin of his tattooed arm.

“I’m really thankful for you, Josh.” Tyler almost whispers.

“I’m thankful for you too, Ty.” Josh speaks softly back, and he means every word.

  
  



	11. LIGHTNESS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he and josh stand in front of the barriers, jumping up and down and being jostled by the crowd as the band on stage plays their last song, Tyler can’t help but feel that even after all the shit he’s been through in his life that maybe, just maybe, right know it was all okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end is rushed but I lost inspiration after a while so I figured I'd just post so y'all could read something. I have had so many exams this week and then finals next week so I want to die high key but it's fine

Although all the doctors agreed that that episode he had during thanksgiving had been bad luck in which a normal physical phenomenon triggered panic, they wanted to take all the possible measure to prevent it from happening again if they could. Tyler spent that one day in the hospital, where he met with everyone that had been part of his team back when he had been a full time resident. His druggist had decided to lower the dosages ever so slightly, but signed a form that would allow him to have emergency supplies of all the necessary medications in his room at all times, just in case something were to happen. Dr. Ken also set a plan for them to do a video call at least once a week in order to check in and have a normal therapy session. 

The rest of the week went by slowly and was rather uneventful. Thanksgiving day itself, Josh’s family hosted a huge party with lots of friends and family, but the two boys spent most of it chatting by themselves, avoiding awkward or forced conversations and mostly listening if they were ever pulled into a group. Tyler got to know Josh’s siblings, his younger brother Jordan in particular, and they hit it off.

On Saturday morning, Tyler woke up to the sound of Josh’s ringtone blaring through the otherwise quiet room. He groaned and pressed his face into the pillow, a weak attempt to block the noise. The sheets rustled as Josh grabbed his cell phone and turned off the sound. The room was still dark. Who would call at this hour?

“Oh shit.” Josh mumbled sleepily. Tyler rolled to lay on his back and glanced up at Josh who was sitting up against the headboard, eyebrows furrowed as he tapped his phone screen.

“What time is it?” He asked, rubbing his face and sitting up to match Josh’s position.

“Six.” Josh replied but he was clearly distracted by something on his phone. “I can’t believe I forgot.”

“Forgot what?” Tyler cocks his head, confused as to what the other boy is talking about.

“I have tickets for the Death Cab for Cutie concert tonight.” The ghost of a smile appears on his face, before going back to tapping the phone screen. “I was supposed to go with Brendon but he called me to cancel, but I had completely forgotten about it. Good thing he called me or I would have forgotten entirely.”

“Oh, that should be fun.” Tyler can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. He knows that Josh and Brendon had been friends for a long time and probably bought the tickets a long time ago, but part of him still felt left out.

“You should come with me instead!” Tyler looked up to see Josh facing him with a bright expression of excitement.

“Really?” Tyler failed to mask his own excitement.

“Yeah!” Josh grinned and hoped out of bed. “But we should get ready if we want any chance at front row."

“Don’t you already have tickets?” Tyler asked as he rolled out of bed and lazily walked over to the closet where one of the maids had put away his clothes.

“Yeah but it’s general admission. We have to get there and then wait in line and the first people there can get closest to the stage.” Josh explained. Tyler appreciated how Josh always took the time to explain things that to others might be totally obvious but because of Tyler’s lost years, he was completely unaware of. There was never judgement in his voice.

“Oh cool.” Tyler responded, grabbing a pair of jeans and pulling them on along with a plain black shirt. Josh was wearing and old Death Cab shirt, suggesting that he had gone to one of their concerts in the past.

“Ready?” Tyler nodded and Josh opened the door and the two filed down the hall. “I’m gonna go grab some snacks and money, why don’t you pull on your shoes and go wait by the car?”

The two went their separate ways, Josh towards the kitchen and Tyler towards the mud room. Although most of the house was still a mystery to him, he had gotten fairly comfortable navigating through the main living area and the halls to Josh’s bedroom. The mud room was the section of the house that connected the garage to the rest of the house. It was filled with shelves and cabinets that held a variety of coats, shoes, and boots for every occasion. He pulled on the maroon vans that Josh had gifted him a while back. Josh said it was because they didn’t fit him very well, but Tyler knew he was lying. Josh appeared in the room a few moments later, carrying a backpack that looked fairly heavy.

“Did you pack enough to feed an army?” Tyler teased, grabbing his down jacket off one of the hangers.

“I only brought the essentials.” Josh joked back. “But I also have some money so we can get real food at lunch.”

They entered the garage and got into the car, driving through the impressive structure and eventually leaving out one the doors and slipping out into the driveway. They made their way across the front of the house and out of the gates, before finally reaching the roads.

Tyler connected his phone to the car, now an expert at turning on the bluetooth and switching the connection to his phone, and started playing each song that was on the setlist. 

“This might sound cliche but I’m most excited for Crooked Teeth.” Tyler says, breaking the not so awkward silence that was hanging between them. “I love that song.”

“Hmm. That is a good one. I heard that their live rendition of Soul Meets Body is amazing.” Josh comments, keeping his eyes on the road ahead of them. “By the way don’t be surprised if I cry when they play Transatlanticism. That song just… gets to me.”

“Dude, you are not the only one.” Tyler huffs.

 

When they get to the venue, it’s almost eight and there's already a small line forming in front of the doors. Luckily they find a parking spot easily and it’s only a handful of people that, maybe ten or fifteen, that are already there waiting and Josh is pretty confident that they will be in the front row. 

“Now we just wait?” Tyler asks as they take a seat behind the last couple of people.

“Yeah basically. We can take turns saving the spot if we need to use the bathroom or get food or anything. I brought water bottles and food though so we should be okay.” Josh explains.

“Have you done this before?”

“Gone to a concert or waited all day?” Josh double checks.

“Both I guess.” Tyler answers with a shrug.

“I’ve done it all. Most concerts I’ll get seats but I did general admission for Green Day a while back, now that was a mess. I invited Brendon to come with me and that kid can not sit still. Now imagine having to wait twelve hours in line with him.” Josh laughs.

“Wow.” Is all Tyler says. He’s nervous, scared even, and he doesn’t really know why. Maybe it’s because it’s the first normal teenager thing he has ever done, or maybe because he’s worried the loud noises and being pushed up against a bunch of strangers will trigger something. He isn’t quite sure, but he doesn’t like churning in his stomach and the bile rising in his mouth. His unease must of been obvious because he feels Josh warm hand against his shoulder and looks up to see the other boy’s eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“Are you okay, man?” Josh asks him. At first Tyler curses himself internally for being so stupid and feels embarrassment, but there’s no judgement in Josh’s voice and Tyler remembers that this he had already seen him at his worst.

“Yeah, just… nervous, I guess.” Tyler shrugs, trying to pass it off but the sour taste doesn’t leave his mouth. The physical response to his irrational fear only makes him more panicky and his hands start to sweat.

“I get it. The first time I did general admission it was really intense. The guy behind me was this college student who must have weighed at least two hundred pounds or something. He pushed up against me a lot, and at first I was really freaked out. You get used to it, and by the end it it won’t even feel that weird.” Josh offers. “But if at any point its too much just let me know and we can go further towards the back.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.” Tyler mumbles in his hands which he was using to cover up the reddish tint of his face.

“Dude, you are not a burden.” Josh laughs, almost as if implying that Tyler was stupid to even think such a thing.

Tyler doesn’t know what to say so he just uncovers his face and offers Josh a tight smile. He hopes that the red in his cheeks passes off as being from the cold Ohio winter air rather than the embarrassment.

“Come here, I brought earbuds so we can listen to some music.” Tyler shifts so he’s right next to the other boy and takes one of the earbuds from him, putting it into his ear before pulling the beanie back over his ear to keep it from freezing off.

Josh hits shuffle on the bands  _ Essentials _ playlist and then closes his eyes, leaning his head back against the concrete of the exterior wall of the stadium. A small smile creeps onto his face as the drum beat picked up in The Sound of Settling. Josh had mentioned drumming to him before. He had never actually played, but he said that he used to wander to the music store near his house over the summer and play theirs. After that he became upset and looked up a list of the songs with the best drum beats and tried to mimic the patterns with his hands. Of course his hands tapping against the steering wheel did not sound anything like an actual drum kit, but Josh still loved it. He had considered buying a kit, but knowing his parents attitudes towards music, especially the genres that Josh tended to gravitate towards, they probably wouldn’t smile upon it. Josh had joked to Tyler in the past about how his parents were lucky that school came easy to him because otherwise he wouldn’t even try, and his grades would be terrible.

Josh compared himself to Philip, one of the characters in a show called Shameless. Bright, but unmotivated. It wasn’t that he didn’t have any aspirations for his future. He had a pretty good picture of what his lifestyle would be like, but he didn’t know what he wanted to  _ do _ . He knew for sure he wanted to something good with his life, something that wouldn’t just benefit himself but others as well. He wasn’t sure what that would be, but that was his goal: to help someone, to change someone’s life for the better.

Tyler also had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Josh at least had a plan: go to college and figure it out from there. Tyler, however, had never really thought about the future. His life was lived day to day, hoping to make it through without any big scares or crises. 

Just then, Tyler’s phone vibrates in his pant pocket and he pulls it out, the screen illuminated by a notification from a text message. He smiles a bit when he sees who its from.

_ Jenna: When do you and Josh come back from break? _

“Who is it?” Josh asks, peering over his shoulder to see the phone screen. Tyler instinctively pulls away, hiding the phone screen. This, of course, only edges Josh further, “Ooooh, Tyler has a secret.”

“It’s not a  _ secret _ .” Tyler scoffs, his skin turning a tint of pink again.

“Then tell me who it is.” Josh smirks.

“It’s just Jenna.” Tyler answers, trying to sound as cool about it as possible.

“Ahhh.” Josh smiles knowingly. Even though Tyler thinks he’s done a pretty good job hiding his feeling for the girl from Josh, he’s practically an open book so it wouldn’t be difficult for his roommate to see right through him.

“Shut up.” Tyler mumbles, pulling the phone back out and reading over the text again. “She just wants to know when we are gonna be back at school.”

“Awe, she wants to see you!” Josh coos, and Tyler shoots him a glare. “We’ll go back tomorrow, around mid-day. We still need to go back to my place to get our stuff.”

“Alright.” Is all Tyler says as he types back a reply.

_ Tyler: around noon tomorrow _

_ Tyler: why? _

_ Jenna: just wondering :) _

Tyler has always been good with figurative language, but talking to Jenna was like deciphering code for him. It was like everything had a different meaning and he was never sure if she was just being friendly or flirting, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t spend hours mulling over their conversations trying to figure out exactly what she meant with every single word. He looks over to Josh and sighs in defeat as he hands his cell phone to his roommate.

“Josh, what does she mean?” Tyler asks, exasperated. Josh smiles and takes the cell phone and reads over the short conversation.

“I think she wants to see you.” Josh answers, handing the phone back with a shrug. Tyler gives him a look that silently says _are you sure?_ _you better not be lying to me_. “I mean it, Tyler. It’s pretty obvious she likes you.”

“But why would she like  _ me? _ ” Tyler pushes, still somewhat in denial over the whole situation.

“Why wouldn’t she?” Josh counters. “Your a good looking guy, and besides that your nice and actually use that brain of yours unlike the rest of the guys at school.”

Tyler scoffs, frowning at how Josh just described him. He was tall, but really skinny, and not in the attractive kind of way. He was quiet and shy, and awkward.

“It’s true.” Josh adds, as though he had read Tyler’s mind. “Why don’t you tell her your excited to see her or something? It’s not obvious flirting but it’ll show her you care.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to come off as some sort of creep.” Tyler shrugs, taking the phone, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

“It won’t look that way. I promise.” Josh encourages him.

“Fine.” Tyler mutters.

_ Tyler: looking forward to seeing you :) _

_ Jenna: me too! _

“You see?” Josh exclaims when Jenna responds almost immediately.

“Yeah, yeah.” Tyler blushes slightly. “Thank you.”

“Of course, bro.” Josh replies.

 

A few hours later, Josh stands and Tyler looks up at him.

“I’m gonna go get us lunch. Are you okay with Taco Bell? There’s one walking distance and it’s pretty cheap.” Josh announces.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Tyler nods, looking for something in his backpack. “Let me give you some money.”

“No, don’t worry about it. I’ll pay.” Josh shakes his head.

“Are you sure?” Tyler didn’t want to be a burden, but he also knew he only had about forty dollars on him and he was planning on using it to buy a shirt after the concert.

“Yep. It’s the parent’s money anyways.” Josh smiles as he turns around and disappears around the corner.

Although Tyler would consider himself a pretty reserved and self-sufficient person most of the time, being alone in a relatively new environment still made him feel a little bit of fear or panic in his stomach. He tries to push away the irrational thoughts that love to torment his brain, telling him that someone might come and hurt him or that Josh will never come back. He picks up his phone and tries to distract himself by scrolling through Instagram. He smiles a little when he sees that Jenna had recently posted a picture. It was one of her sitting on a rope swing in the middle of a forest, pinkish sunlight that suggested sunset trickling through the branches of the fir trees. He liked the photo and kept scrolling through his feed.

Eventually Josh comes back and the two eat their tacos in comfortable silence, Tyler realising just how hungry he was.

 

After what felt like an eternity, time only being marked by the sky turning a darker shade of blue,, a man in a cheap looking uniform comes out of the big building and asks all of them to stand up and have their tickets ready, saying that the doors were going to be opened in only ten minutes. They gather their belongings and stuff them all in Josh’s bag, taking out the tickets that they had printed right before they left. Tyler’s nerves and giddiness came back to him as the anticipation settled in. The line slowly starts moving and any fear that Tyler had gets replaced with pure excitement as they get their tickets scanned and go through security. They pass by a stand where some people are selling shirts and hoodies but they walk past it hurriedly trying to find the doors.

 

As he and josh stand in front of the barriers, jumping up and down and being jostled by the crowd as the band on stage plays their last song, Tyler can’t help but feel that even after all the shit he’s been through in his life that maybe, just maybe, right know it was all okay. Especially if it meant he got to be with Josh right there that day.

  
  



	12. OCEAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you trust me?” She says, eyes sparkling in the yellow winter sunlight.
> 
> “Yeah, yes.” Tyler chokes out nervously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this could have been written so much better but I'm really tired and desperately needed to update this so here ya go.

“You’re  _ what _ ?” Josh jerks his head up from the phone screen he was staring at intently as Tyler makes his announcement.

“I’m doing it, I’m going out with Jenna.” Tyler repeats, fidgeting with his hands anxiously and pacing back and forth across the tiny dorm room. They had arrived only half an hour earlier and were slowly unpacking their belongings and settling back into the room.

“When?” Josh asks excitedly, turning off his phone and setting it down so he can put his full attention onto his roommate. Tyler secretly took a moment to appreciate his roommate. Josh had shown him such a pure, genuine, friendship and he couldn’t be more grateful. He made him feel a little less alone in the dark, often cruel, world and helped fill some of the void that had been left after the loss of his family.

“In like, twenty minutes?” Tyler chuckles, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Dude, what?” Josh snorts, standing and immediately gravitating towards his closet.

“Yeah. I texted her ‘ _ hey, do you want to go for lunch?’ _ and she responded with  _ ‘today? sure!’ _ and I said ‘ _ cool meet you in twenty?’ _ and she said ‘ _ it’s a date’ _ .” Tyler explains with a tinge of anxiety in his voice. Josh catches on and places a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze to ground him.

“Hey, it’ll be fine. Want to borrow something of mine to wear?”” Josh soothes and at that Tyler nods vigorously.

The two boys settle on him wearing a pair of well fitting grey jeans and a plain black tee with a navy blue Patagonia jacket layered over it. It was a simple outfit, considering he had no idea what the dress code should be for this kind of thing, but it and complemented his features.

“So, where are you taking her?” Josh asks with increasing excitement in his voice, almost as though he was living vicariously through Tyler.

“I don’t know. Oh my God. I don’t even have a plan.” The panic rises in his chest once again.

“Dude, chill. There’s a nice little pizza place walking distance so you won’t even have to drive or take the bus.” Josh explains, pulling up a map on his cell phone and screenshotting it so he can text it to Tyler. “It’s inexpensive but delicious and if you need cash you can borrow some.”

“It’s okay, I have a bit of money.” Tyler grabs his wallet and shoves it into his back pocket as he walks into the small bathroom to look at his hair for the last time. He and Jenna were meeting outside of the building in five minutes and he couldn’t feel any less prepared.

“You’ll be fine, Tyler.” Josh says as he appears next to him. Tyler looks at their reflections in the mirror and smiles to himself, mentally giving a short thank you to whoever, or whatever, made it so that Josh of all people would be his roommate.

“I should get going.” Tyler comments, grabbing his cell and pocketing it before giving Josh one last quick thanks and saying goodbye. He opens the door and slips out into the hall, feeling like a soldier heading off to battle.

 

\---

 

As they settled opposite to each other into the stiff wooden chairs at a rickety table for two, Tyler allows himself to take a deep breath because so far, things were going… fine. They shared their hello’s and to Tyler’s surprise they fell into easy conversation about their respective breaks. He was more than happy to let Jenna do most of the talking, but he got really excited when he got the chance to tell her about the concert and how, as he put it,  _ frickin incredible _ it was. She smiled and nodded enthusiastically, encouraging him to keep going, but he struggled to talk as he was far too distracted by who he was sitting with.

In his opinion, she was the most beautiful girl- the most beautiful person- in the entire world.

From her silky blonde hair the was cut off intentionally roughly at her shoulders, the enticing blue eyes that seemed to cut straight through to his brain and jumble his thoughts until they were indiscernible from one another, all the way to the perfect smooth skin that somehow managed to be tan even in the chilly Ohio winter.

And not only was she physically stunning, but she also had the personality to match. She was genuine, seemed to really love her family as she described the big reunion she had had with her extended family over the holidays. As she spoke, he couldn’t help but wonder why the hell this girl was interested in  _ him _ . Was it that she just pitied him, felt bad for the new kid and he was just reading her signals wrong? No, that wouldn’t make sense. She always  _ insisted _ on sitting next to him during meals, she would text him every weekend insisting on spending time together, and always make sure to take the seat next to him in the few classes they had together.

He definitely didn’t make it  _ easy  _ for her to talk to him, but she did regardless.

“So anyway, how are you feeling about these next four weeks before Christmas break?” Jenna asks him, pulling him out of his thoughts. His brown eyes meet he rown big blue ones and for a moment he gets lost in them before he regains control of his thoughts.

“Oh. Well, most of my exams should be fairly easy. I’m mostly worried about getting my history one’s confused.” He answers, looking back down at his plate of food, worried that if he looked into her eyes for too long he would lose the ability to speak.

“That’s right, your doubling up in history.” Jenna nods, taking a bite of her slice of pizza. “If you don’t mind me asking, why  _ are _ you doubling up?”

“Oh, it’s a long story.” He chuckles nervously, grabbing a napkin and wiping his hands. “I guess the short version is I don’t have all the credits I need to graduate so I need to take more classes to get them all.”

“That makes sense.” Is all she says. He is relieved she doesn’t push for more of an explanation, because even though he likes her more and more with each conversation they share, he doesn’t quite feel like sharing his life story with her quite yet. Josh was the only person he had ever told, and that already made him feel more exposed and more uncomfortable than he would have liked. Tyler didn’t regret telling Josh, but that’s because he really trusted him, knew that he understood to a certain extent. With Jenna, he had no idea how she would react. Aside from that, he also just didn’t want to tell her. He didn’t want her pity, didn’t want her to think he was just some weak orphan with a fucked up past and anxiety, PTSD, and depression to serve as a constant reminder for the trauma and loss.

“Do you want to get out of here?” He looks up to see a mischievous glint in her eyes that makes his heart skip a beat.

They pay the tab and grab their coats, leaving the restaurant. Instead of turning right to head back to the school, Jenna grabs his hand and pulls him to the left, down the street.

“I’m going to show you my favorite spot in this town.” She says as she drags him along. Tyler is hyper aware of her hand in his and prays that his skin isn’t to sweaty or too hot or too cold. They end up in a park, one with a playground and a soccer field and even a fenced in area that looks like a dog park. At the edge of the grassy fields (which are sectioned by nice concrete pathways that would make a nice bike path or running trail) lies a thick woods of tall coniferous trees. She leads him all the way to where the trees and then turns to him, smiling widely and still holding his hand tightly.

“Do you trust me?” She says, eyes sparkling in the yellow winter sunlight.

“Yeah, yes.” Tyler chokes out nervously.

She laughs, but not in a mean way, and pulls him into the woods. There isn’t a trail, but the girls is clearly familiar with the area because she weaves between the trees, twisting and turning as though following a map he can’t see. Soon it is dark and humid and the only sound is that of their breathing and the occasional snap of a branch under their shoes or rustling of leaves when a bird lands on a tree branch. They keep walking for about five minutes until they reach the ends of the woods. Before the trees end, however, she turns to him and smiles brightly.

“Are you ready?” She asks him.

“I don’t know.” He answers honestly.

She doesn’t respond, just pulls him out of the forest. They end up at the edge of a small cliff, overlooking a massive body of water surrounded by more woods. The drop off is impressive, maybe a couple hundred feet, and the dark water looks still, almost impenetrable.

“Wow.” Is all he can say. No words are sufficient to describe the scenery

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” The girl says as she lets go of his hand and goes to sit down on a rock conveniently placed near the edge but not quite close enough to be dangerous.

“I can see why you like it.” He agrees as he continues to examine the beautiful landscape.

“I come here whenever I need to take a breath, or just feel like I need to take a break from the rest of the world for a minute.”

“I know what that feels like.” He chuckles.

“I like you, Tyler.” Jenna says with a smile as she stands and walks towards him. His heart rate increases when she stops leaving only about six inches between them. He can feel her warm breath on his face and can’t escape the lock of her blue eyes and his brown ones. He swallows the lump of his throat and nervously wipes his sweaty palms against the leg of hi jeans. Before he can process what is happening she reaches up and puts one of her hands on the back of his neck, pulling his head down towards hers. He puts his own hands on her hips, stabilizing them as their lips meet.

The kiss is not the textbook definition of perfect. It’s messy, teeth clanking and noses bumping together from lack of experience on both of their parts, but it’s sweet.

It may not be perfect, but to Tyler it is.

Jenna pulls away with a small smile on her face, her cheeks tinted pink.

“I like you too, Jenna.”

  
  



	13. TRUST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Josh, are you okay?” Tyler whispers carefully, not wanting to spook his roommate.
> 
> “I think so.” Josh whispers back and Tyler has to refrain himself from sighing in relief. If Josh could talk, that was a good sign.
> 
> “Why are you under the bed?” Tyler asks gently.
> 
> “Things got too loud… too bright…” Josh mumbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I hate this and I'm sorry that it seems like this isn't going anywhere. Something will happen eventually I promise it's just wow writing is hard isn't it.

The high from his kiss with Jenna, and his first kiss ever, has Tyler feeling as though he is on top of the world as he looks for his keys in his pockets to open the door to his dorm room. He had tried knocking first, but Josh didn’t answer so he figured his roommate had gone out with some friends or something. He finally finds the small piece of metal and sticks it into the doorknob, twisting and jiggling it until he finally hears the click and pushes the door open.

Immediately, he notices something is wrong. The room almost feels empty, but the lights are on, which Josh wouldn’t have done if he had left, and a deadly silence hands in the air. He slowly shuts the door behind him and stays absolutely still, trying to listen for any sign of life. He scans the room with his eyes but their unmade beds are vacant and Josh is nowhere to be seen, but his keys and cellphone are still on the bedside table- and if the lights being on weren’t evidence enough- Josh definitely would not have left without his phone or keys.

A small sniffling sound comes from the back of the room, and it both makes Tyler feel relieved but also freaks him out a little. At least he knows that Josh is in the room, but he has no idea in what state he’s in.

He tries to determine where exactly the sound is coming from.

And then it hits him.

The bed.

More specifically, under it.

Tyler walks to the middle of the room, and crouches down. He catches a glimpse of Josh’s messy curls and sighs in relief, moving so he’s lying on his side. His eyes take a moment to adjust to the low light but when they do he sees his roommate is lying on his back under the bed, his breathing fast and uneven.

“Josh, are you okay?” Tyler whispers carefully, not wanting to spook his roommate.

“I think so.” Josh whispers back and Tyler has to refrain himself from sighing in relief. If Josh could talk, that was a good sign.

“Why are you under the bed?” Tyler asks gently.

“Things got too loud…  too bright…” Josh mumbles. Tyler can hear that his breathing is slowing down ever so slightly.

They stay there for a minute, mostly because neither one of them seems to know what to do next or be in a hurry to move.

“How was your date?” Josh asks eventually.

“Good, really good actually.” Tyler smiles and feels a small blush creep onto his face as he thinks about his afternoon with the girl. From the warm feeling of her hand on his to the electricity that coursed through his veins when their lips met.

“Tell me more.”

“We went for lunch, to that place you recommended, and then she took me through this park and across this forest to this lake.” Tyler explained, feeling giddy as the memories played out in his brain.

“And?” Josh asks, a knowing tone in his voice.

“And she kissed me.” Tyler says simply.

“Way to go, dude.” Josh sighs. “I’m really happy for you, that’s great.”

“Thanks.” Tyler smiles, his eyes still looking up at the ceiling. “You sound tired, do you wanna go to bed?”

“What time is it” Josh asks.

“It’s only six thirty or so, but I could go get dinner and sneak something up for you if you don’t feel like going down.”

“Hmm.” Josh seems to think about it for a minute. “Would that be okay? I just feel… drained.”

“Yeah, of course. And if you don’t mind me asking, why did this happen in the first place?” He asks regarding the panic attack.

“Oh… I don’t know, really. We got our schedules for exams and then our coach sent us an email with all the dates for upcoming practices and games and it sounds really stupid but it was really overwhelming and I don’t know if I have the time for everything and my parents are putting a lot of pressure-”

“Hey, Josh, breathe. It’s okay.” Tyler interrupts the other boy’s rambling. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Josh is silent, but takes a few deep breaths.

“Let’s get you to bed, okay?” Tyler asks, reaching out and gently taking Josh’s hand in his own.

“Yeah, okay.” Josh responds, squeezing Tyler’s fingers.

Josh shuffles on his back until he is shoulder to shoulder with Tyler, no longer trapped in the space between the bed and the floor. 

Tyler stands up and offers a hand to Josh, who gladly accepts it. Tyler than guids Josh into his bed, and helped him pull the covers over his body.

“I’ll just head to the cafeteria, grab some food, and then come straight back, okay?” Josh nods tiredly in response. Tyler grabs his backpack (so he would be able to smuggle the food up) and double checks that he still had his keys and ID on him before leaving the room and locking the door behind him.

As  he walks through the building, he thinks about his roommate. Tyler doesn’t know much, but from living in a psych ward for several months, he did learn a few things, and he was pretty sure that Josh wasn’t just a kid that occasionally felt anxious, but rather that he actually suffered from some sort of anxiety disorder. It was normal to feel overwhelmed or even panicked, especially in the last few weeks of the semester, but when it becomes physical- evident by what Josh had said about it being too bright and too loud even though the room had to have been quiet and their lightbulbs are not all that bright- it becomes more than just a  _ feeling _ of anxiety.

Tyler reaches the door and pushes it open, automatically regretting not wearing his warm coat as the cold breeze hits his face. He keeps head down to avoid the wind on his face and shoves his hands into his pockets. As he hurries down the path in the direction of the cafeteria, he ends up accidentally colliding with another student, one he doesn’t recognize. He takes a couple steps back and looks up, opening his mouth to apologize but the other kid beats him to it.

“Hey! Watch it!” The student growls. The kid is a lot bigger than Tyler, and the smaller boy feels a little bit threatened by his presence.

“I- I’m s- sorry.” Tyler says quickly, going back to walking to the dining hall.

“Oh, and you have a stutter too.” The other kid mutters as he walks away.

Tyler takes a few deep breaths, trying to regain his composure. Soon, he reaches the door and pushes it open, welcoming the warm gust of air that hits him as he does. He walks towards the small line that had formed where they were serving food and grabs a tray, making a mental note to ask the ladies for a little bit extra of everything so he can set it aside for his roommate.

After finally grabbing some food, and extra portions for Josh, he quickly scans the room for any familiar faces. He knows that it’s a bit early to catch his regular group, so he isn’t surprised when he doesn’t recognize anyone. Finding an empty table in the back, he settles down and quickly finishes the food he got for himself. Once he’s finished, he packs up the sandwich and apple he grabbed for Josh and wraps it in a napkin which he then puts away in his backpack to be able to smuggle it out.

Then he grabs his stuff, and heads out the door.

Luckily the walk back to the dorm is quick and easy and soon enough he’s unlocking the door to their room, where he finds Josh where he left him- under the covers of his bed.

“I brought you some food, if you’re hungry.” Tyler says softly, taking off his shoes and tucking them off to the side by the door. “It’s not much but at least it’s something.”

“Thank you.” Josh whispers back as he adjusts his pillows so he can sit up in the bed. Tyler pulls out the sandwich and apple from his backpack, handing them to Josh. He gratefully takes the food and moves over in the bed, patting the spot to his right so that Tyler can sit next to him. The other boy carefully sits down, and Josh starts to eat it in slow small bites.

“Are you feeling better?” Tyler asks carefully. Josh seemed… stable, but Tyler knew better than anyone that one wrong word could change that.

“Yeah. Just tired.” Josh answers between bites.

“Hm.” Tyler settles against the headboard and the two sit in comfortable silence as Josh finished his food.

Eventually though, Tyler breaks the silence again.

“Have you considered getting help? For the anxiety, I mean.”

“No. I don’t need help.” Josh says, but he doesn’t even seem to believe what he’s saying.

“I trust you, and if you don’t think you do I won’t push you, but are you sure?” Tyler asks.

Josh stays silent for a few moments, and Tyler gives him time to think. Back in the psych ward, there was a massive poster on one of the walls that said in big bold letters  _ Are You Smart Enough to Ask For Help? _ And it always resonated with him. The hardest part is admitting you have a problem, then you can start working to fix it- or at least make it a little more bearable.

“No.” Josh eventually says, pulling Tyler out of his thoughts. “I’m not sure. But there’s nothing anyone can do about it anyway.”

“I mean, there’s medication and therapies you can do.” Tyler offers.

“But my parents wouldn’t let me. They think people who are depressed or… or anxious are just weak, and need to get over themselves.” Josh sighs, and runs a nervous hand through his hair.

“You know they’re wrong, right?”

“Yeah, but they control my life. I have to live in their reality.” Josh says, defeated.

“You know, we could bring it up to Matt.” Tyler suggests, and Josh looks at him looking for more of an explanation. “I mean obviously they can’t get you any meds without your parent’s permission but maybe they don’t need to know if you wanted to do therapy. Like- doctor patient confidentiality or something.”

“True. But I don’t know, isn’t therapy super expensive, or something?”

“I wouldn’t know, but you said your parents are loaded, right? I’m sure they wouldn’t notice or care if you spent an extra couple hundred dollars a month.” Tyler explains. He looks over at Josh, who looks a little unsure about the whole thing. “Look, why don’t you think about it for a couple days? You don’t have to decide right away, obviously.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Do you want to go to bed, you sound tired.” Tyler asks, softening his tone slightly. Josh nods and yawns, and Tyler starts to shift so he can get out of the bed. However, Josh grabs his sleeve and keeps him from leaving.

“Actually, can you… stay?” Josh asks quietly. Tyler gives him a small smile.

“Yeah, course.”

The two boys lie down next to each other in the small twin sized bed. They aren’t touching, but Tyler can still feel the warmth radiating from Josh’s body and enjoys the company. It didn’t feel weird or awkward, in fact the presence of the other helped them feel secure. They fall asleep faster than either of them have ever before.

  
  



End file.
